Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

The extinction of animal species such as land and marine animals results from human activities IELTS

Pear45 1 / -  
Jan 23, 2019   #1

The animal species become extinct due to human activities on land and in sea.

Nowadays, the life of people has modrenized because of the great development of industrialization and technology. However, it is supposed that the extinction of animal species such as land and marine animals results from human activities, especially is deforestation and dynamite. This can stem from many causes, which calls for possible solutions to be adopted.

The extinction of animal species can be attributed to several factors. Firstly, one possible reason could be that deforestation is in alarming rate since the overpopulation booms. People have to meet the housing demand. Not only is the loss of animals' habitat threatened but also land animals will be hunted by wrongdoers who carry out the illegal activities. Another cause worth mentioning is that dynamite is the most cruelest way to catch marine animals. To be more specific, when using this weapon, there is an enormous explosion that makes penty of creatures injure seriously, even cause a thousand of deaths. Then they will be brought to sell.

There are several measures which can be taken to handle this issue. To begin with, should a heavy punishment be imposed to offenders by the government. This can be done by imprisoning them from three to five years for ruining the resources of environment to ensure they will not reoffend. In marine life, the government should prohibit people from catching fish by dangerous chemicals. Under any circumstances, if they want to catch fish mainly because having the end meet, their activities must be manual.

To a word, the extinction of animal species results from many causes, and there are several actions that can be taken to tackle this issue.

Ioneskoanna 2 / 3 2  
Jan 23, 2019   #2
Hi! Overall, the essay is written very well, however, it lacks some essential structural features. For example, the second body paragraph does not explain the causes of extinction, as it only describes the cruel methods of this action. Also, the conclusion must be more extended, 2-3 sentences and should not start from 'to a word'. You have to use more academic linkers, as far as I'm concerned. And some slight grammar corrections which I've observed:


the most cruelest

plenty of creatures injured*

even causing

making ends meet

Good luck!
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,034 2722  
Jan 24, 2019   #3
Huu,, as a direct question essay, you are required to present your simplified response to both questions, in this case the causes and possible solutions, within the opening paraphrase. These reasons and causes will serve as the 2 reasoning paragraph outline for your essay. Now remember, this is an advanced writing type of essay so you will need to use transition sentences in each paragraph to relate 2 reasons and 2 solutions in each paragraph presentation. That means, you need to use the maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph in the following manner:

Sentence 1 - First reason
Sentence 2 - Supporting example
Sentence 3 - Transition sentence
Sentence 4 - Second reason
Sentence 5 - Supporting example

The same format goes for the solutions, this time replacing the term "reasons" with "solutions". In reality, your presentation was close to the above format except you lacked a transition sentence in the middle of the paragraph and you lacked supporting examples that could have strengthened the presentation. You also went over the maximum sentence number in the first reasoning paragraph. You should never write more than 5 sentences per paragraph.

Additionally, your concluding statement is very weak as it does not offer a proper summary of the prompt, reasoning, and solutions as indicated for the reverse paraphrase requirements of the concluding summary.

Home / Writing Feedback / The extinction of animal species such as land and marine animals results from human activities IELTS