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IELTS, EXTREME SPORT, WHY KEEPING IT AND HOW RISK COULD BE MINIMIZED?


agi 13 / 30 4  
Mar 3, 2014   #1
Please give me your invaluable feedback on my latest essay.

Some sports are extremely dangerous. Why do you think people are still doing this? How can the risk be minimized?

Some terrifying scenery like real fighting among men could be easily seen on the some sport tournaments like boxing, car racing and so on. There are a lot of bleeding, injuring and screaming among the parties. Some people believe that extreme sports should be excluded from types of sports. In this essay, i will present the reason for people are still keeping it as their favorite sport and suggest a way to lessen its harmful way on sportsmen.

to begin with, one of the most common reason of presence of extreme sport is that it is one of precaution's way to protect us from ourselves or others from attack or danger. For example, boxer could help victim of robbery by chasing criminal or save women from raping danger. Moreover, since sport is main source of keeping healthy mental and physical condition, sportsmen can be less stressful than others.

Furthermore, the highest lucrative sports are associated with those extreme sport: car racing, boxing and so on. Sport fans are extremely interested in seeing how they manage to succeed from such extreme condition. Since there are full of action, viewers never get bored and be ready to pay to see it . Therefore, extreme sports become a highly profitable sport and both fan and sportsmen want to continue it further.

Nevertheless, there are urgent need of regulation for lessing its threatening danger to sportsmen. They should be strict regulation in which prohibits bleeding, high frequency of hitting to some part of body and so on. If someone breaks the rule, punishment should be tough like high fine and limiting a right to attend other sport tournaments.

In the conclusion, due to the fact that there are number of supporting factor of keeping extreme sports like healthy lifestyle, self-protection, money and fan satisfaction, i am strongly convinced to keep those further. But We need to make sure safety and security of sportsmen as there is no bleeding, serious injuries and so on.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 3, 2014   #2
Some terrifying scenery like real fighting among men could be easily seen on the some sport tournaments like boxing, car racing and so on

This needs more clarity. Your opening sentence should hook your reader and therefore you should present it in a very clear manner. It should be an interesting idea expressed in a clear short sentence.

toTo begin with, one of the most common reasons of presence of extreme sport is that it is one of precaution's way to protect us from ourselves or others from attack or danger.

The above idea is not clear at all :(


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