Essay about the factors bringing success - advise

Topic:
Some people think that hard work and determination bring success. Others think other factors such as money and good appearance are more important.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.[/i]

Essay:
It is true that hard work and determination are two key factors to get success in life, whereas, some people do believe that money and good appearance play more important roles. While all these are necessary, I would strongly agree that hard work is definitely the most essential factor for those who wish to achieve success.

On the one hand, it is undoubtledy that things like money, wealth and smart appearance are considered to be vital in bringing success at work as well as in daily life.

Firstly, jobs such as bank officers or flight attendants do require people with good-looking outward aspects such as smart face, beautiful smile or the average height. There is an online survey conducted by students in the University of Economics Ho Chi Minh city that people with good appearance tend to have more job opportunities than people who do not. Besides, money or wealthy is also a vital factor in order to **get a head in life.** Pretending that you are a start-up, your priority now is marketing your business to potential partners as well as target customers. Without money, it seems to be extremely difficult to **develop contacts** with rich and influential people or hiring KOLs (Key Opinion Leaders) and famous people to advertise your brand.

On the other hand, comparing to money and appearance, hard work and determination are so far the most value elements in seeking for success and recognition.

There is one famous sentence :"Genius only has 1% talent, 99% is hard work". If you have 100$ but no dedication and no laboriousness, that 100$ will be gone. However, if you have 10$ but 100% hard work and studiousness, you will raise that 10$ to 100$ and even 100 million dollars.

From a perspective of the employers, the employees with good and hard-working performances will obviously have more promotion opportunities and high wages comparing to others.

In conclusion, as money and smart appearance are so precious in modern world, hard work is, in my opinion, the most important.

This creates a problem with the orginal topic rephrasing. There is no question being asked of the writer in terms of statement veracity. Such a response is therefore, misplaced in the presentation. As this is most likely the personal opinion of the author, such a belief should be witten into the thesis response instead. That is, it must be integrated into the personal opinion section of the paragraph.Its current placement alters the given topic, forcing points reduction for the paragraph.



Stand- alone sentence presentations will not add to the score as these do not follow the paragraph presentation requirements. Blend these points of new into the actual reasoning paragraphs.


Unless you can explain the relevance of this to the public opinion, it adds confusion rather than clarity to the statement.