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There are some factors which can help people to gain joyfulness.


septiadara29 48 / 67 9  
Nov 8, 2016   #1
Happiness is considered very important in life. How is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieve happiness?

Writing Task 2


Some people think that happiness is hard to be defined, whereas they relize that it is one of the most essential part in life because it can lead them into a successful life. However, I believe that there are some factors which can help people to gain joyfulness.

With regard to some people who are not easy to describe enjoyment, because they never feel satisfied with their results that have been reached. For example, according to a publication from University of Tokyo Fujita in 2015, 23% of people in Tokyo were feel under pressure and stress because they could not buy a private transportation to get opulent lifestyle. 9% amidsts the violence had tried to suicide because of feel ashame. As a consequence, the figure might increase along with time due to lack of satisfied. Therefore, cheerfulness is very necessary for everybody.

However, they are two main factors that can lead people to cheeriness, which are always feel grateful and always help each other. For instance, based on experienced of Joko Anwar, is a person who has no great liability. He always feel gratitude and never being tired to give a hand for someone who need it. With his restrictiviness, he is capable of build a foundation for underprivilage children who live in rural area. As a result, he is not only create happiness for himself, but also for other people who deserve to get it. Hence, feeling gratitude and taking care each other can create joyfulness.

I concluded that the notion is true and happiness can be defined by some people who express themselve differently with reality. I believe that showing grateful and taking a part to provide a help for other people, are two key factors which someone can reach joyfulness. (293 words)

rohan_sohail 1 / 1  
Nov 8, 2016   #2
people in tokyo FELT
to get AN opulent
due to lack of SATISFACTION
9% sentence does not make any sense, you lost me on that one
cheerfulness IS A NECESSITY
YOU SHOULD REVISE YOUR ESSAY, THERE ARE TOO MANY TYPOS, CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE GOING WITH THIS ONE OR WHAT THE MAIN POINT IS.

THANK YOU
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 8, 2016   #3
Hi Miss Septi.
Here are my correction for your essay in the side of contents. Please, you call your attention to my notes so that you do not make same mistakes.


Some people think that happiness is hard to be defined, whereas ...

I like your way to paraphrase the statement because that still has the same meaning. However, you have to sharpen your thesis statement. I have found your view clearly. Please, you show your response to two questions in the thesis statement. It can help to boost your score better. Those all can be described in one or two words.

For example, according to a publication from University of Tokyo Fujita in 2015, 23% of people ...

Scientific fact is one of supporting sentence the most meaningful. However, in this matter, your scientific did not relate to your opinion and did not touch the prompt. Be careful of picking the example up. It can make boomerang for your opinion. Consequently, your paragraph was out of the topic.

cheeriness

it has different meaning with happiness

For instance, based on experienced of Joko [...] hand for someone who need it.

Please, you rewrite this because that is bad flow. I have to pause to understand your mind. Keep in your mind that the main aim in this test is to communicate with readers, not to impress them.


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