Unemployment has currently become an increasing issue in the world.There are various factors are linked to an increase in the employment level,such as globalization, technological advancement, economical crises,overpopulation,and increasing in the number of educated and skillful individuals.The governments should take responsibility and find proper ways to deal with this worring issue,that could have detrimental consequences in the long term.
In term of globalization and technological development,as aresult of rapid revolution of technology and invention of new machines, people lives become easier and left plenty of worker out of business.As so many works have been automated without need for large number of employees, such as bank accounts,sending money or email, and printing.Meanwhile,closing the boeders between countries and having proper ways of transportation lead to shifting so many corporations in searching of good investment and hiring workers with lower minimum wages.For instance;so many businesses have been transfered to another countries like China and India, as a result There have been so many workers made redundant.
In addition, overpopulation and increasing the number of skillful and experienced people are another remarkable reasons for rising the rate of jobless and jobseekers.It is clear,the enterprises are lokking for people have a lot of experience and give direct profit for their buisnesses.They do not want to opening training courses as it is time consuming and costs so much money.Undoubtedly,this great competition among people for such positions lead to lay off large number of people.
Regarding to economical recession,It is obvious,in the recent years many Europian countries ,UK in particular have encountered economical crisis and has resulted in shutting down so many businesses and huge unmber of workers being made redundant.
Finally,this worring problem needs a huge effort to find the best solution to treat the deep roots of unemployment.The governments should subsidize the corporations and small businesses, encourage them to expand the labour markets and increase their productivity.At the same time,funding to open training courses for such positions is very beneficial in declining the rate of unemployment.Protecting the balance between the export and import products is also should not be neglected for the safety of local trades.
In conclusion,unemployment is very serious issue, could have a destructive consequences if left untreated.Thus, collective support from governments and business owners are useful to indicate the factors of unemployment and find a best soultion to tackle it.
Hi rozhnaz, here my lots correction for you, I hope it will enhance your writing
There are various factors are linkedlinking to an increase in (...), economical crisescrisis , overpopulation,and increasing ...
The governments should take responsibilityresponsible and find proper ways to deal with this worring issueworrisomes ,that could havelead to detrimental consequences infor the long - term period .
Hello Rozhnaz, it is a pleasure to read your essay. What makes me interested to read your essay is the power within the ideas in each paragraph. The cohesive and coherent devices are appropriately used thus it does not affect the writing much, it shapes it better instead! However, there are some problems to be tackled by you. Here are some additional suggestions from me:
"There areVarious factors are linked to.."
"..with this worring worrying issue.."
"..a result.."
I have an alternate to the second sentence in the second paragraph: "This because several works, such as bank accounts,sending money or email, and printing, have been automated without need for large number of employees."
"For instance;,(use a comma instead) so many businesses have been transfered to anotherother countries like China and India.(full stop)As a result, there have been so many workers made redundant."
"It is clear,that.."
"..lokkinglooking for people havewith a lot of experiences .."
"..,it is obvious that in the recent years, many Europian countries, particularly UK in particular .."
"..this worringworrying .."
"..very serious issue; it could have.."
Also, try to simplify the sentences in your writing. You know, "shorter sentences are not a sign of inellegance and superficially" in writing academic essay (Wallwork, 2011, p.36). As long as the message in the sentence is clear, it is acceptable. That's some inputs from me. I wish you gain many improvements in your next practice. Looking forward to revise your further essay. Kindly regards.
References:
Wallwork, A. (2011). English for Writing Research Paper. London: Springer.
Hi abdoul, your essay is quite interesting, but I have a few suggestions which thereby you could make it better next time. Here are some corrections.
Unemployment has currently become an increasing issue in the world.
The rise of unwaged/jobless/unemployment has become a hot issue in some parts of the world.
I do not say yours is wrong, but I suggest you to avoid the word like currently, nowadays, or in this day , since there is no point achieved by adding that. Elaborate your word is one of a good idea to avoid it.
There areV arious factors are linked to an increase in the employment level ,such as globalization, technological advancement, economical crises,overpopulation,and increasing in the number of educated and skillful individuals are linked to an the increaseinginof the unemployment level . Your example seems too many . Try to add three or two example due to the limitation words. (You still have your body and conlusion, by the way)
The governments should take responsibility and find proper ways to deal with this worry ing issue,so that could havedetrimental consequencesgenerate an essential impact for the long term (forthcoming term)
That is all from me. You might put the questions as well, next time. May it helps! GBU :)
Thank you ever so much for the attention i got for my essay, i appreciate every single suggestion.
Hey, your essay is quite refreshing. You certainly have alot of ideas and creativity. I found some minor mistakes in your essay so here are some sugestions for you:
- various factors that are linked
- There have been so many workers that were made redundant
- people who have
or people with
- I have noticed that you tend to write "so much" many times. Instead of writing that, you could try other words such as immensely, remarkably, exceptionally, tremedously, vastly etc.
- You need to slightly strengthen your vocabulory in order to make you sentences even more appealing
Continue with your good work and good luck :)
