Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2


'fair government' - Patriot's Pen - Essay bout founding fathers and America


aspiringwriter 2 / 9  
Sep 1, 2012   #1
So I started the essay for the Patriot's Pen and here it is, this is just the beginning draft, as I will be making changes to it and will refine and polish it. The topic is "What would you tell your founding fathers?"

Our founding fathers helped make America what it is today. For example, I woke up this morning and got ready for school just like I would any other day. I didn't have the fear of being killed or having someone threaten us in our home. In some countries children aren't even able to go to school, because of the bad politics and foundation of their country. I thank my founding fathers for making such a strong and stable foundation for America. They knew that a strong nation needed a standing foundation.

On the news, I hear how people in other places around the world are being abused and humiliated because they want to have their part as in who should be leading their country. I thank my founding fathers for giving us the freedom of speech, the freedom of press, as well as the right to assemble and petition the government.

As I learn about World War II in my social studies class, I read about the Holocaust and how the Jewish were treated worse than animals, and how they were killed only because they didn't follow a certain religion. In America, I am free to follow any religion of my choice, thanks to my founding fathers.

I read the news in the newspaper and learn about how some governments are being overthrown because they take undue advantage of their power. I would thank my founding fathers for creating all men equal.

I learn about how King George III was being an unfair ruler towards the colonists during the Revolutionary War, and how the Americans stood up against them and gained independence of what we know today as America. I would thank my founding fathers for making a fair government.

This is just a beginning draft, and thank you for all your suggestions! I used them to write this.
chessman567 5 / 170 11  
Sep 3, 2012   #2
Hello, thanks for commenting on my PAtriot's Pen essay. I'll provide a few comments on yours. If you see something in blue, that means add. Red means correct.

In some countries, (comma after countries) children aren't even able to go to school, because of the bad politics and the foundation of their country.

Okay, look here. You shift from past tense (woke) to present (hear)

For example, I woke up this morning and got ready for school just like I would any other day. I didn't have the fear of being killed or having someone threaten us in our home. In some countries children aren't even able to go to school, because of the bad politics and foundation of their country.

On the news, I hear how people in other places around the world are being abused and humiliated because they want to have their part as in who should be leading their country. I thank my founding fathers for giving us the freedom of speech, the freedom of press, as well as the right to assemble and petition the government

I think that it is a bit weak. You need to implement more creativity into your essay. But overall, great essay!


Home / Writing Feedback / 'fair government' - Patriot's Pen - Essay bout founding fathers and America
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳