In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents to go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents' absence. Discuss both these views and give your opinions.
Some people think that the both parents need to work for facing competitive world in economic aspect, while others argue that their occupations could lead to the lack of support to their children. In my personal point of view, there are the benefits and the drawbacks of these views in which I will discuss in this essay.
On the one hand, the benefit of both parents who go out to work might address to the prosperous life. The family will afford to fill any necessities from the daily basic to the amusement. Furthermore, the parents could save money for rainy day even for their children's future. They could serve their children more than sufficient such as go to the best school, take additional classes such as ballet or musical class in which these take much of cost. In other words, their children possess the better education to develop their skills.
On the other hand, there are some drawbacks that have to take into account for both working parents. Living in wealthy life does not guarantee to life happily. The both parents who go out to work and leave their children often are more likely to make their children feel loneliness, less affection and attention. However, this could address the juvenile delinquency and lead them to be a spoil person in which all of their desires should be achieved. This is a prominent problem that has to be considered for the both working parents because it could be influence to children future life. Meanwhile, if one of the parents stay at home, the mother could be more pay attention to their children, thus they will be controlled.
To sum up, there are the positives and negatives of both working parents that should take into account. In my personal perspective, the first and foremost is the parents should give a special time to their children even in the tight of their business schedule, therefore the children obtain more attention and affection, because money cannot pay the togetherness and the blessing love in a family relation.
Aini, let me try to give you feedback based on writing band descriptors of IELTS task 2.
Task Response:
- It is good that you have already expressed a position towards the issue. Yet, you only partially addressed the prompt given, which some of the formats were also inappropriate in places. For example, your conclusion for each body paragraph was missing.
Coherence and Cohesion:
- You were able to presents information with some organisation, but you were lack of overall progression. I notice that your cohesive devices are somehow inaccurate, which makes most of your sentences quite confusing.
Lexical Resource:
- I like that you were brave to use some less common vocabularies, but I still found some inaccuracies. For instance, 'serve' is usually used for 'food', but you use it for 'children', improper collocation. Therefore, my suggestion is, I think it is still better to use common vocabulary accurately than carelessly use advanced vocabularies.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
- You also attempted to use complex sentences, but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences. This is bad if it is happening in a real test, you will not be able to reach 6 if you keep doing this. Just be more careful later on, especially when you are going to use 'the', not all words can be added by 'the'. These corrections below are some of grammatical errors that I've found, there are still lot more of them in your essay, which I didn't mention it here.
- Some people think that theboth parents need to work.. ('both' usually refers to two subjects separately)
- ...their occupations could lead to the lack of support (you need to be more aware of using 'article')
- ...there are thesome benefits and the drawbacks of these views.. (inaccuracy 'article' usage)
There you are aini, I hope you can follow through my feedback above. Keep practicing :)
Hi Ichan thanks again for your suggestion and corrections :)
To be honest, I am still struggling on my writing, but i believe practice makes perfect.
I have a question for you. well, you said that my cohesive devices are somehow inaccurate, could you show me which sentences? so I could be better in using cohesive devices in my next writing.
anyway, i have looked at Cambridge Dictionary "serve" is not only to "provide food or drinking", it could be "help achieve", "work for", " provide something necessary", etc then "both" is referring to two people or things together.
Sorry for being unintentionally unclear when delivering my previous feedback. I will give you further explanation about your question.
Inaccurate cohesive devices:
- In my personal point of view , (it should be 'In my opinion' or 'From my point of view')
- Meanwhile, if one of the parents stay at home, the mother could be more pay attention to their children, thuschildren. Thus they will be controlled. (You have written conditional sentence, therefore, to avoid ambiguity, separate 'Thus'.)
Improper collocation:
- both parents (ambiguous, it can be 2 parents (2 fathers and 2 mothers), it can be parents (1 father and 1 mother)) PARENTS are already consists of 2 persons (father and mother), there is another term 'single parent' if it only consists of either 1 father or 1 mother, if you add BOTH it will make your sentence REDUNDANT . That is why I suggest you to avoid that, since you also mentioned it 6 times (too repetitive)
let's take a look on your sentence again:
- They could serve their children more than sufficient such as go to the best school, take additional classes such as ballet or musical class in which these take much of cost.
This is inaccurate, I will show you the detail of 'serve' collocation:
Serve:
- food/drink - They served a wonderful meal to more than fifty delegates.
- customers - She was serving behind the counter.
- be useful - His linguistic ability served him well in his chosen profession.
- provide something - The centre will serve the whole community.
- be suitable - The sofa will serve as a bed for a night or two.
- have particular result - The judge said the punishment would serve as a warning to others.
- work - He served as a captain in the army.
- time in prison - She is serving two years for theft.
- official document - to serve a writ/summons on somebody
- in sport - Who's serving? (to start playing by throwing the ball)
I didn't say that Cambridge dictionary is wrong, I think you misinterpret what the dictionary means.
If 'help achieve' is what you mean, so this is the example:"The judge said that the fine would serve as a warning to other drivers"
So, I think, the best one to revised this sentence is:
They could serve their children more than sufficient such as go to the best school.
They can facilitate their children by taking them to the best school in town, or giving them additional learning hour outside the class.
Well, ichan thank you for your clear explanations.
In terms of 'both parent' I know that parent is consisted of mother and father, but in this case 'parent' and 'both parent' have different meaning. may be In bahasa we could say parents: orangtua
both parents: kedua orangtua
you can see in the question provided, they mentioned that 'for both parents' so i think it does not matter to use it.
