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Family - a root of happiness in human life; children and their parents seem to be less close nowaday

Anfalia 40 / 56 23  
Mar 23, 2015   #1
Nowadays, families are not as close as in the past and a lot of people have become used to this. Explain the reasons for this and discuss any possible effects it may have on society.

Family is the root of happiness in human life. For this reason, children and their parents seem to be less close nowadays, compared to in the past. While this phenomenon has already been a public issue, I personally believe that less contact between parents and children is the main reason why this has happened. Furthermore, juvenile delinquency is on the increase as a result of this situation.

Admittedly, parents are more likely to spend less time with their children, owing to the fact that both parents often work full-time. A research study has shown that the majority of Los Angelinos -both men and women- are workaholics. They spend approximately twelve hours at the workplace, and one or two additional hours for over-time work. They believe that rush hours enable them to gain high salaries. In consequence, many parents have no idea how their children spend their time.

However, lack of closeness in families introduces negative effect on children's behavior. Children feel free from parental attention, and it encourages them to having fun with many friends. Doubtfully, they belong to criminal gangs, and commit a crimes, in public. To illustrate, children join with organized-crime, and they are suspected of being a drug dealer. It will also lead to a rise in juvenile delinquency, among teenagers. As a result, parent surveillance determines children's upbringing.

The aforementioned evidence examines that parents are inevitably involved in their children's behavior. At a young age, children need positive role models in their daily lives. Where possible, father should be a breadwinner and mother should stay at home and bring her children up well. Therefore, families can divide roles and responsibilities in the most convenient way.

I made some word choice swaps, and added some punctuation. Basically, this is a well-written essay, I think you explored both the situation with less closeness to the children, and the effect on society. By focusing on the effects on children, you said how society was affected!

I think you need to pay closer attention to punctuation, and try harder to avoid run-on sentences. Also, preposition choice needs some attention.
I think you'll find my suggestions will address these issues.
lynzee22 - / 90 37  
Mar 23, 2015   #2
Your English grammar needs improvement. I have made some suggestions, but please read over your essay again and try to fix what you can find. Also, try to add more evidence. You only vaguely mention "a study" once, but do not give any information as to what study it is.

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