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A famous film star or sports personality enjoy the status of hero worship [IELTS Essay]


rythmboy 1 / 1  
Sep 21, 2014   #1
Hi All,

Please help review my essay as I would like know what band I currently in. This is my first time appearing for IELTS and started preparing a few days ago. I went through the basic argument essay structure of Ryans IELTS preparation video and wrote this essay. As I am not taking any coaching for IELTS, I am relying on community like this to assess my band and get feedback on how to improve my writing to achieve a higher band.

Topic,
Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or personality - brings problems as well as benefits.
Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems ?

Here is my essay

A famous film star or sports personality enjoy the status of hero worship in this and many other countries. A celebrity is looked upon by children, young and the older mature people. The celebrities in this country enjoy greater benefits compared to normal people. They enjoy royal reception and have a huge financial freedom of being able to afford things that a normal person can only dream of.

Celebrities get royal reception whenever they go. For instance if they want a reservation in a very crowded or a fully booked restaurant, they could easily get a table. Although they might be pampered by the fans for their autographs and photographs to be taken with them, this is only a small inconvenience to them who might enjoy the interaction with the fans. This will only build a positive image on the celebrities for being easily approachable and enjoying the time spent with the fans. Even the restaurants do not mind this as this also beneficial to them in terms of bringing more popularity and in turn more customers to the restaurant. This is a beneficial situation for both the restaurants and celebrities.

Celebrities enjoy a greater financial freedom compared to ordinary citizens. Once a film or sports personality become famous they get paid a lot of money for their work. They even get paid for attending events that are not directly related to their field of work, for instance a sports personality might be called upon for opening a boutique store, film personalities for motivational speech seminars. So they could afford lavish houses, private islands, expensive cars to name a few. Some even own private jets for their personal use. Although they are constantly photographed and invaded of their privacy while being in public by journalists and paparazzis, they overcome all these inconveniences by being able to afford private islands and private jets. This shows that the benefits only outweigh the problems.

As just demonstrated that the celebrities enjoy greater financial freedom and receive royal reception in all the situation. So for a celebrity the benefits definitely outweigh the problems.

Thanks.

amalxavier 2 / 2  
Sep 21, 2014   #2
I guess the essay should be below format, especially in IELTS:

Introduction paragraph
Body paragraph 1 -3
Conclusion Paragraph
hamedmas 27 / 58 19  
Sep 21, 2014   #3
For instance, if they want a reservation in a very crowded or a fully booked restaurant, they could easily get a table.

famous film star or sports personality enjoy the status of hero worship in this and many other countriesevery where .

I can give you just this advice, I do not know how the essay should be organized for the ILEST. So I do not say nothing about the structure. However, your structure of the paragraphs are good. Good Luck
Mann_ms 9 / 20 5  
Sep 21, 2014   #4
I guess the essay should be below format, especially in IELTS:

Introduction paragraph
Body paragraph 1 -3
Conclusion Paragraph

I agree with amalxavier..:)
Before we start to write essay, first of all, make sure with the pattern essay... this can make or guide us easier to write essay.

May I give you some advice?? :)
First Paragraph: Introduction; in this part, you can write your topic in general. then, paraphrase the question and clarify your posistion (which do you choose : that is more benefits or more problems).

Second and Third paragraph: in this paragraph you explain why you choose benefits on problems and give some sample to support your argument.
Fourth paragraph: Conclusion; in this part, you can write summary your essay. (make it short)

My apologies if I make mistake..I'm beginner too..:)
zjxhz 5 / 14 2  
Sep 22, 2014   #5
There are 349 words in your essay, and the minimal requirement is 250 words. It is perfectly fine to have a long essay like this, the problem is, though, if there will be enough time, in theory about 40 minutes, for you to write so many words by handwriting.
OP rythmboy 1 / 1  
Sep 23, 2014   #6
Thanks zjxhz.

I wrote this essay by hand on notebook within 30 minutes. And I made a few corrections while typing it on the computer. Do you have any tips to do the proofreading and do the correction when dealing with handwritten essays ? While writing the essay on a computer we are used to modify sentence structure and rephrase it to make it efficient, and we are used to this, I am trying to find ways to incorporate this process while handwriting an essay.
zjxhz 5 / 14 2  
Sep 24, 2014   #7
@rythmboy, I was once told to leave an empty line between every line, I am not sure if it is a good idea, though. It usually takes me more than 40 minutes to finish an essay which is longer than 250 word. Of course, the time spent on writing includes thinking what to write as well. So I think you are a very efficient writer, for me, it is difficult to find anything to talk about on the topics.


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