Fashion industry's impact on society
In my opinion, the fashion industry also has a negative impact on society. Many people, specifically the younger generation, are addicted to buy a great number of clothes. This bad habit results in many consequences. For example, a lack of money dues to buying unnecessary clothes. Besides, some people still judge others by their appearance. If they don't follow the trend or wear luxurious costumes, they might be seen as a poor and unattractive person. According to that situation, some even being bullied, which can lead to mental health illness
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I am not sure if the writer is responding to a Task 2 prompt or if this is just a statement for an English writing exercise. If it is for a task 2 discussion, then this single paragraph will automatically receive a failing score for not meeting the word count and having an improperly presented line of reasoning.
If this is for a simple English writing exercise then the writer should have paid more attention to his vocabulary usage, punctuation mark use and positioning in the sentences, as well as the clarity of his thoughts. There is a disconnection between the reasons he presents and evidence to prove that his claims are valid. The overall discussion has a problem because of the lack of idea development and examples. While the grammar is not perfect, the writer manages to reveal a clear thought, which only needed more development to make it clearer and better accepted as a discussion point.
hi , i like the ideas portrayed in your essay , they encapsulate the negative impact of fashion well , but they were introduced in a way as if there was already something before them : the fashion industry also has a negative impact on society. , you should also pay attention to your grammar are addicted to buy a great a lack of money dues to buying unnecessary clothes and so on , also try to develop it with examples , good luck !
You have too many short sentences, try to combine sentences that are talking about the same topic
... consequences, for example, a lack of money due
s to ...
You should extend the length of your sentences, explain more about your ideas and give more description.
You can extent your sentences, such as give the examples, the results or the explanations about your ideas
First of all, you might need to explain first why buying a lot of cloths is a bad habit. Perhaps it really is, but you need to elaborate more. Fast fashion is the topic you can focus on.
Secondly, there are many logical gaps--buying clothes, following the trends, judging people by their appearances, being bullied. I can see the connection to those topics, but you need to explain how you come from point A to point B.