I am practicing writing essays in English language. Please help me correct my assignment and comment frankly. Thanks in advance.
TOPIC: Fast food is now universally in most countries and is becoming increasingly popular. Some feel that this is positive trend, while others do not.
What are your opinion in this?
--- Here is my essay---
In recent years, fast food has dramatic changes to our habitual diet and becoming well-known in the world especially in affluent western countries. Some people said that this kind of food has some benefits ,however in this essay, I intend to argue that these food have far more demerits than few advantages it offers.
First, in most of high standard of living countries prefer eating pre-packaged foods such as hamburger, chicken fried or chips rather than eating well-cooked foods. Although I certainly agree that fast food is both affordable and convenient, it contains a number of unhealthy additives like sugar, fat and salt. If people consume this kind of food as the way they add these to the staple diet in daily routine, they would get some serious health problems such as high blood pressure, obesity, depress and so on. In other words, while fast food is beneficial in the short term, its long-term effects are generally negative.
Second, fast food is gradually creeping in daily meals especially in children and a big brand like Ronald McDonalds is the particularly good example. The visual image showing that the way McDonalds clown standing straight and smiling which is appealing young children and also catch their parent attention. Having grown up eating in McDonald restaurants, people are likely to continue eating fast food throughout their adult lives. A number of people in most of western countries are now faced to the risk of obesity and the statics are more increasing significantly.
To conclude, I once again restate my view that fast food is detrimental to both individuals who eat it and to society at large. Authority health needs to increase public awareness about the dangerous effect of consuming to excess and giving the health risks associated with this trend.
you're essay is quite good. 1) having a clear progression, 2) having a range of cohesive devices, 3) a range of vocabulary. Just one thing, as I remember my teacher said do not use to conclude in the concluding paraphrase, I suggest you to double check if it's ok to use.^^
your essay has been done well. But in my opinion, I think you should have a topic sentence at the beginning of the body paragraph, body 1 for example. As the comment above you should use 'In Conclusion'
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When you are asked for an opinion, you are being asked to offer a point of view. You are not being asked to argue. So do not use inflammatory phrase like "I will argue". These essays do not argue, they offer a point of view. There is no need to be angry. You need to use peaceful descriptive words such as "I would consider", or " I believe", maybe even " I would opine", never "I will argue". You need to keep an academic tone when writing these essays. That is why examiners get irritated when they read essays that use exaggerated words or references in their essays.
Good reasoning paragraphs. However, you got confused and referred to the mascot of McDonald's (Ronald McDonald) as the name of the restaurant. The fast good place is simply called McDonald's. Additionally, the first reasoning paragraph has better developed discussion points. While it could have benefited from an extended explanation, your work in that paragraph is good enough. It could have been better. However, you used the A/D single paragraph discussion format properly so you will gain points for that type of paragraph presentation.
The second paragraph though, is under developed in terms of presentation. You did not fully support the reason why a mascot would successfully get a person to eat at the restaurant. It does not feel related to the original discussion requirement. It would have been great if you had used your personal experience in relation to the explanation. An opinion, when presented from a personal perspective, gives the paragraph more believability and a more applicable explanation. So the examiner tends to score those types of reasoning on a higher TA range.
This essay is very good! However there is a mistake that I just discovered.
I once again restate my view that----Everyone knows conclusion is the paragraph for candidates to restate their opinion and summarize ideas from paragraph one and two. Therefore, you don't have to write this sentence. It's a little bit redundant.