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IELTS ....Fast Food is becoming more popular?


NewUser 3 / 6 1  
May 30, 2013   #1
Hi

I wrote this essay while practicing for IELTS. I used this topic from a samples website, but the content is written by me (not a word copied from anywhere).

Please help in evaluating my essay. Thanks :)

Essay topic:
Even though doctors all over the world agree that fast food is bad for people's health, more and more people are eating it. Why are more people eating fast food? What can be done about this problem?

Essay:
Around the world, millions of people suffer from numerous problems because of fast food. The numbers are increasing at an alarming rate. A strict and immediate action is required to help prevent further spread.

To begin with, today's fast paced life style is the main reason behind people resorting to fast food. Most of the couples stay in nuclear families these days. With both partners working, preparing food at home becomes cumbersome so fast food seems becomes an easy option. Due to the same reason, more and more kids are driven to fast food.

Moreover, fast food companies use misleading marketing lures kids and adults into eating fast food. The vendors provide vague information or hide important facts and highlight the taste and aroma to make their product look exciting. It's very common to see advertisements highlighting "No Trans Fat" to make a sachet of fries look healthy, whereas the amount of saturated fat is only mentioned in fine print on the back of the packet.

The only way to tackle this problem is with education, restriction and prevention. It should be mandatory for every fast food peddler to put a clear disclaimer warning about potential heart problems it can cause. Free camps should be implemented by the local government to warn people about the ill-effects and help those already suffering from obesity and heart disorder. Government should make subsidized healthy food available at educational institutes. Furthermore, it should be made illegal to sell certain fast foods to a child below certain age if he is not accompanied by an adult.

To sum up, the growing problem of obesity and fast food addiction needs immediate attention. Serious thought and a strict action plan to educate and alert people will help get a handle on the issue.

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Shumaila86 11 / 31 9  
May 30, 2013   #2
A strict and immediate action is required to help prevent further spread.

Inappropriate sentence...It should not be in introduction.

With both partners working, preparing food at home becomes cumbersome so fast food seems becomes an easy option.

Run-On Error : Use comma before conjunction(and,but,so,or,nor,for,yet)

Moreover, fast food companies use misleading marketing lures kids and adults into eating fast food.

that lures

The vendors provide vague information or hide important facts and highlight the taste and aroma

Comma Splice : Use comma + conjunction to separate two independent sentences.
Rest is fine. Good Luck.
lilythuy2289 3 / 13 2  
May 30, 2013   #3
Your essay is pretty good with immense resource of vocabulary. However, you should cut down your passage to 4, it looks better
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
May 31, 2013   #4
hi
you display excellent writing skills and I think you really need not to worry abouy this task. You can surely go for a flying score. :)

However, since this task has a msjor bearing on time management, I guess it is good to sick with 4 para essay with just 2 body paras. Also try to give more specific examples.

Good Luck
OP NewUser 3 / 6 1  
Jun 3, 2013   #5
NewUser:
With both partners working, preparing food at home becomes cumbersome so fast food seems becomes an easy option.
Run-On Error: Use comma before conjunction(and,but,so,or,nor,for,yet)

Thanks for the inputs...

So, should it be structured as follows?
With both partners working, preparing food at home becomes cumbersome, (extra comma !!) so fast food seems becomes an easy option.
or
With both partners working, preparing food at home becomes cumbersome and so fast food seems becomes an easy option.
Shumaila86 11 / 31 9  
Jun 3, 2013   #6
yes! this comma means you pause and get ready for the next idea. previous commas are to separate items. Do read Run-On and Comma Splice Errors. These are the most common errors noticed by examiner.
UrUltimateGuy - / 2  
Jun 3, 2013   #7
seems like u provide little info. try to use more transitional words to connect your sentences.
OP NewUser 3 / 6 1  
Jun 4, 2013   #8
Thanks Dumi.
I need 8+. Do you think this essay is capable of getting me at least an 8?


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