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denis85 1 / -  
Oct 13, 2020   #1

Every year, an increasing number of people suffer from fast food related diseases.

The government, therefore, should impose a high tax on fast food.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In different parts of the world, it is reported that there is a constant rise in the number of cases related to fast food. While I am of the opinion that the government should issue a heavy tax on this type of food, I also argue that other options could be taken to deal with this situation.

On the one hand, fast food restaurant chains have to pay a higher tax compared to other businesses. The first reason is that this is considered an effective approach to control the establishment of fast food stores. Specifically, a higher tax payment means that fast food owners are unlikely to earn much profit from their businesses. In addition, governments can use the amount of money collected to fund health care system as compensation to those suffering from fast food related diseases, which could help reduce financial burden when they are in hospital.

On the other hand, there are other alternatives that could be taken into account. One possible solution is that governments are advised to organise health campaigns to raise people's awareness of the negative impacts that fast food may cause. For example, the high volume of sugar, salt and fat in French fries, hamburgers or fried chicken will probably lead to high cholesterol or even diabetes. More importantly, there should be strict rules and regulations on food manufacturing in order to ensure the origin of ingredients as well as approved nutrients before reaching customers.

In conclusion, in addition to changing tax policy, it is necessary for governments to draw the attention of customers and put fast food restaurants under control to protect the public health.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,732 3069  
Oct 13, 2020   #2
You are making claims in your prompt paraphrase that are not included in the original presentation. There is no reference to "In different parts of the world" in the original prompt. The discussion is only related to local or national governments. Therefore, involving the international community creates a topic deviation which the examiner will spot and deduct points for. Do not exaggerate, do not give opinions where none are required, and most of all, do not make up information just to make your writing seem more exciting than the original presentation. This is also an extent essay, so you have to present a clear demarcation with regards to how far you support the suggestion that government should impose a high tax on food. Your essay lacks a clear opinion in that regard, which will pull down your TA score, making your essay kick-off on a lower than acceptable starting score.

Avoid the use of run-on sentences in the opening and concluding paraphrase sections. This is a common error among test takers. You still need to follow the 3-5 sentence format for those sections. Writing those sections properly could actually help to boost your overall score.