IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood

hi, everybody!
i want to improve my islts writing, but i have no idea whether my essay has any grammar errors, inappropriate sayings. can someone help correct my essay? thanks a lot!

Fatherhood ought to be ...

In all ages, it is a common conception has been that women should take on the major responsibilities of children rearing, not only because of the mother's role in child-birth but also because of maternal instinct. Yet, this view seems to be at odds with progressive feminism, and it also undermines the significance of men in parenting. Speaking for myself, I make the assertion that both men and women should be responsible for children rearing, although roles within the partnership differ, fatherhood should not be ignored.

Undeniably, women do dedicate much more in bringing the children up. As mentioned above, the connection between women and children is determined by nature. Meanwhile, women's more tender character, sensitive insight and better communication skills, which, according to some researches, help a great deal in children's building up personality and social skills, make them a better parent. Moreover, this is not the only talent God gives them. Nowadays, a host of successful great women from diverse fields have shown off the truth that there still wait brave new worlds for women to explore, where they can finally get away from the house, take up the financial burden that men excuse from children rearing and achieve life value.

Admittedly, men play an increasingly key role in nowadays upbringing, which has been a general awareness. In the past, it was acknowledged that men went out to fight for their career and helped to cover the basic financial outcome of the whole family, never to think about raising the children up. However, that situation changes, resulting from the gradual cognition of children's future project, curiosity about adventure, braveness and persistence when facing life obstacles. In these aspects, men can do better jobs, as well as in fostering sporting interests, providing full information about the roles of both sexes and so on. So it dose, a father becomes a more important partner in today's children rearing.

As for today's children rearing, it is not a task for women or men unilaterally, but a construction that requires both men and women's devotion. Since women have proven themselves the abilities outside, why not men exhibit the aptitudes in children rearing? Both men and women should take up different but irreplaceable jobs in this construction.

On the basis of the above discussion, I conclude that men and women together provide better love for the children. Only by integrated parenting can physical, mental and emotional development be promoted. Therefore, in light of the fact that fathers make unique contributions of time and energy, fatherhood definitely should be equally emphasized.

Admittedly, men play an increasingly key role in the raising of children in the modern day , of which there has been an increase in general awareness.

Compared with women, men are most necessary if children are to appreciate fully the roles of both sexes, seek blindly for the sense of obligation or competition and get ready for adventure ahead of them.

The above sentence sounds really strange to me. You say men are compared with women here and then you say that men are "most necessary". As if women are not necessary? I think the point is that men are necessary in their own right because if you say that men are the most necessary in comparison to women it sounds like you are saying that men are more important than women. Also, how do men help their children "seek blindly for the sense of obligation or competition"? Don't fathers try to help give their children direction and purpose in life? A parentless child would "seek blindly" but a child with parents would recieve guidance from parents seeking to avoid having their children go "blindly" through life.

This is unrelated to your revision of your essay, but I reject your assertion that the relationship between a father and his child ever comes close to that of a mother and her child.

They are mountains apart. A child can survive without his father; without his mother he is forsaken to a large degree. This is reflected universally as a creed, and it's why I find it so disturbing that a terrorist state such as Israel would deliberately target a mother or her children.

Men are bestowed with a great strength, and in that they take upon some courageous distinctions. They expect that if something should happen, they take the blow; it comes with the territory.

But a mother, really?

Anyway, Good luck on your writing.

*sigh* I know I shouldn't, but I can't resist . . . "a terrorist state such as Israel" you do know that this is not only wrong but a meaningless construction. States cannot be terrorists, per se, since terrorism is by definition violent activity carried out by non-state actors. They can fund terrorists, of course, as countries such as Iran, do, but even Iran cannot therefore be referred to in any meaningful way as a terrorist state. It is merely a dictatorial, thuggish, tyrannical theocracy that engages in morally bankrupt foreign policies. You can, if you wish, argue that Israel's treatment of Palestinian Arabs living in occupied territories makes it a Western democracy that engages in morally bankrupt foreign policies, which, while still debatable, is at least a defensible point of view that makes sense.

In any event, Kirin, your ideas seem a bit muddled in this essay. Perhaps you should revise it so that it starts out by outlining what mothers contribute as parents and what fathers contribute as parents. You could look at what both parents can provide equally well, and what each brings to parenting that is unique. That would give you a firmer base upon which to build your case that both parents are necessary to provide an ideal environment for a child.

The problem is that we all have different family situations. For instance I am much closer to my father than I am to my mother. You may have had a personal experience where you had a closer relationship with your mother but that is not the case for everyone.

I really want Kirin to post his revision so we can see what he has done with the paper.