Buddy, after reading your whole essay, I am really finding it difficult to see what opinion you are having? The whole idea of the essay is to support a particular theme. You are highlighting the pros and cons of both the aspects but not strongly stating your own opinion.
-Moreover, you really need to work on the structure and the conclusion part. The introduction and the conclusion are the main parts which will either get the reader interested or dislike your essay instantly. So try to make it most impactful.
- Read this thread. I am not sure its a good essay or not, but I wrote it when I was preparing for IELTS.IELTS-fatherhood ,motherhood or both?
Gud luck and cheers