Essay- Fatigue (after a full marathon)

Hey I am new here, and I'd like to improve on my writing skills.
I hope you guys can critique my essay. Thank you! :D

Title: Fatigue

Fatigue. It shouldn't have hit me this time, this is the most crucial part of it all. This was the last stretch of the entire route. My determination was empowering, engulfing the last piece of thought in my head. My head was calm, yet exhaustion was surging up from my legs. My legs had not stopped taking wide strides and pulling itself back. Like an automated machine, since the dawn of the day. My breathing was hard, but constant.

I was running through the dense forest, with less defined path under my foot, having to worry if I was still on track. Yet, I sprinted on the interminable forest. I was afraid that the pursuer would get to me soon.

Suddenly, the Sun was fully blanketed by the overhead sheet of greenery. What that was left for me was the tiny shots of light that managed to cram through the small gaps between the leaves, to reach to the undergrowth. I glanced around my surroundings to see the menacing trees, they all looked like they held daggers behind their backs. The hostility of the forest sent shivers down my spine, I was even more determined to get out of here. My breathing became shorter, but my pace was still the same, despite the weariness that was fighting to beat my determination.

Out of the blue, a shrill scream sliced through the silence of the forest. I took a panicked, large leap, thereby tiring myself. My heart was shocked by the sudden action, that it was pumping so much faster. My breathing started becoming inconsistent, I felt the enervation of my legs. I stumbled on my foot, almost falling over. Clearly, I had forgotten that monkeys inhabited the forest.

Then, I heard it, what I feared the most. It had to reach me when I was most vulnerable, when tiredness was starting to take control. I heard footsteps from behind me. My pursuers would arrive, but I would not give up.

Chains seemed to hug ankles as lactic acid built up in my thigh muscle, I struggled to stretch my legs forward. My entire concentration was on battling the lethargy, my greatest antagonist. Meanwhile, the footsteps got louder and closer. He was accelerating, getting faster and closer.

What were my chances? If only this would end right after this turn.

My body twisted at an angle to make a swift turn which I barely managed. The forest fell open with a surge of blinding ray. I saw a line, the line. I took a few determined steps, as I felt the presence of my opponent right behind me. I stepped on a rock that rolled out of my footing, I fell forward. Almost flew. Then, fatigue had overwhelmed me. I could no longer move. I was left sprawling on the scorching earth.

I heaved really shortly. Darkness descended, my head was spinning. Every detail of the moment was so prominent. My throat was so dry. My legs were so numb. My heart was hurting so bad. The gasps around me were so lame. He was inching closer, he dashed passed me. Finally, I heard the emcee,"The winner of the race has emerged.." The rest was unheard as I fell into a coma.

The next time I woke up, I found a strap hung around my neck, hooked to it was a gold medal. I had won the 42.195 kilometers, full marathon.

567words

wow
what a impressive poetic-like essay!
567 words seem ok and overall,, ur idea is just great

but.. i guess there are quiet a lot of grammar errors
that is.. too much run-on sentences

in some aspect, i seems like you deliberately wrote it like that.. (im not sure..:) )

anyway good essay!

Ohyea!
Run-on sentences! My teacher have warned me about it before!
Thanks for pointing that out!


But I actually exceeded the word limit. I'll be taking my GCE O levels,
the word limit for essays is actually 500. I realised I am always exceeding it ~_~

Anyway, thank you so much,
your comments mean a lot to me!

:D

Can anyone else critique on my essay?
It'd be duly appreciated!

Yep, this is a run on sentence. You can fix it with a semi-colon.

Add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph to establish a theme for the essay. Don't just end it with "...but constant" --- you can add another sentence to hint at what is to come, and intrigue the reader.

Do not capitalize sun.

This is better:
When I woke up, I found

Wow, it was a race!! I love how you made it seem like it was a chase in a horror movie... very good.
This has great description, and it really creates an experience for the reader.

You are missing an opportunity. Use this to convey some truth about work, play, life, psychology, or your personality... use this great story to illustrate some truth. You can do that with a thesis sentence that establishes a theme at the end of paragraph 1 and then a bit of discussion in a conclusion paragraph that you tack on to the end. Not necessary, just an option for you...

OMG I just went to thefreedictionary.com and learnt that there's a difference between comma and semi-colon! For years I have thought that they were the same!

=X Thanks!


OMG! I am really glad you think so! Thanks! xD
This booasted my confidence for my writing skills a lot!


I thought that the theme was clear from the first word in my essay 'Fatigue'. But now that you've suggested it, yea I think it sounds good. :D Hmm.. How about:

I was dogged to endure any form of pain; overcome any obstacle that shall come my way.


Yes, sounds good to me. I used to do it very often, and I seem to have forgotten that technique.
Thanks! I'll do it the next time I write an essay! :D

But I've this concern:


I did not miss any opportunity. ~,~ Was there any part of my essay that was confusing? Or is the opprtunity you were referring to this:



I still had my chance. Because it was ending right after the turn. Also, I won the race in the end.
Is it hard to get this? Should I have made it simpler?
Please let me know how you feel

Your other comments have also been taken note of.
Thanks a lot! :D

A semi-colon can work similarly to a comma, but it can also work like a period (separating 2 complete sentences.) Use it instead of a period when the two sentences "go together" to make a single point.


No, no, it is good.

The missed opportunity I was talking about is this:


How can I explain what I mean? Have you ever read Aesop's Fables? They are great stories, just like the great story you told. The difference is that Aesop uses each story as an opportunity to demonstrate some important truth. It is the "moral of the story"... that is what you can give at the end of paragraph one and also in the conclusion paragraph.

:-)

Ohh, okay Okay
Got it!
Thanks a lot!

:DD

Really thanks Kevin!