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hollanda 2 / 5  
Dec 12, 2015   #1
People today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. What are the causes, what are the solutions?

There is a noticeable trend recently that many people have a sense of unsafety and insecurity when they are either at their own home or outside. A number of reasons are blamed for this problem and some measures can be taken to mitigate it.

There are a range of reasons which are responsible for the feeling of unsafety of many individuals. Firstly, terrorism and other violent activities such as bombing and shooting in various religions in the world have never been so overwhelming as they are these days. As a consequence, people will be reluctant to go out, especially to public areas where are usually the targets of terrorists due to the apprehension about their well-being. Secondly, the growing number of domestic violence can also drive people, especially the young and teenagers out of safe places. For example, an unhappy family with parents quarrelling or fighting can leave an adverse effect on children, which leads them to the feeling of uncertainty and insecurity even in their own home. Moreover, with the dominance of shocking news such as terrorists, killing or bomb attacks in the headlines of almost every newspapers and TV programmes, this will draw even more attention of everyone, which results in the misconception that no place is totally safe at all.

However, there are several feasible actions that governments and individuals could take to alleviate the problems mentioned above. To begin with, it is undoubtedly responsibility of governments of all nations in the world to collaborate to track down terrorists. In addition, in order to prevent the likelihood that violent actions may happen, a brick legislation should be introduced. For example, a stronger punishment for killers, shooters will deter other potential criminals from committing the same crimes. Furthermore, in a family level, every member, especially parents and the elderly, should create a cozy and comfortable atmosphere within their home by avoid fighting in front of their children or regularly encouraging them by verbal and physical stimulation. Finally, TV program producers and newspaper publishers should broadcast a more balanced content of every field, not just focusing on an excess of shocking news.

In conclusion, people do not feel safe either at their home or outside for several reasons, and this problem can be addressed with some measures suggested.

pikul 23 / 26 3  
Dec 13, 2015   #2
For example, an unhappy family with parents quarrelling or fighting broken home problem can leave an adverse cause effect on children,
OP hollanda 2 / 5  
Dec 13, 2015   #3
Thank you so much for your correction.
I just start on writing Ielts task 2. Can I ask if my approach for the topic is correct? Is it coherent? And can you give my the possible score for my essay? Apart from that, Because this one is about cause and solution so I think I should minimize the use of pronoun, am I right?

Thank you!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Dec 13, 2015   #4
Based upon your current skill at writing task 2, I can safely say that you will qualify for a band score of 6. I don't consider that a bad score. Your writing is not at all bad. It just needs to be better developed, practiced, and polished. Your response to the prompt is correct. However, your coherence tends to be blurred and hard to understand sometimes due to your use of wrong descriptive words (ex. Religion instead of Region)

With regards to the use of the pronoun I, it all depends upon what the essay prompt requires. In this case, since you are being asked for the possible solutions and causes, you should use the pronoun I as often as you can. The message of the essay must be something that you believe in and therefore, are willing to defend on a personal level. So use all first pronoun descriptors that you can. It will be most helpful to your essay if you can refer to a personal experience in the discussion in order to better discuss or defend your stance.

Therefore, you should say things like "I believe that one of the major causes of this sense of lack of safety stems from..." or "In my opinion, one of the solutions to the problem..." By speaking in that manner, you show a greater understanding of the topic and will, in the process, increase your band score as well.
OP hollanda 2 / 5  
Dec 13, 2015   #5
Thank you so much for your detailed reply Madam. Your feedback is really helpful, it clear many of my confusions. Thank you again! I have my exam next month, but right now my writing is still so weak:(