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IELTS Task 2: Fewer and fewer people are walking these days

Lita27 16 / 21 2  
Mar 27, 2016   #1
4. Walking is known to be beneficial for health and yet fewer and fewer people are walking these days.
What are the reasons for this? What can be done to tackle this problem?

The way people travel to different places, today, has been shifted from that in the past. In spite of offering health advantages, walking has less intensity to be chosen by people now. Several indicators which affect this trend will be analysed through this essay. In addition, particular measurements will also be explained.

The first point is that individuals need convenient and confortable way to commute to their destinations. For instance, they prefer to drive their private cars. Although, today, public transports are well-established, people still use their private vehicles to go to bus or train stations. The second is, there is a lack of local government awareness of the save sidewalk facilities. Now, pavements for pedestrian in big cities, like Jakarta, have been changed to be a shop line. Moreover, in many places where people go frequently, such as offices, universities, and shopping centres, escalators have been built replacing the stairs. Thus, these factors make clear that people nowadays tend to walk less.

The solutions concerning this issue should be undertaken. Firstly, local authority should establish a rule to raise the parking price. An example of this is can be showed from the success of Mumbai law makers in India to reduce its car numbers due to expensive parking price implementation. With this, people have a tendency to abandon their cars and go on foot. Secondly, regarding sidewalks problem, the government should offer strict punishment to get rid of shoppers or retailers who do their business in sidewalks. For instance, violators should be subject to the threat of imprisonment of at least one year and a maximum of or a fine of 20,000,000 IDR or equivalent to $2,000.

In conclusion, several points causing a decrease in walking are explained. However, there are possible breakthroughs to overcome this matter.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Mar 28, 2016   #2
Hi Lita, as I come to the end of your essay, I must say I got confused, confused in a way that I started asking myself if I was reading a different essay towards the end of this article, mainly because it seem as though you started a totally different essay. I think what made me think this is that you enumerated a few points for your argument in the beginning and you did the same in the end.

However, it can easily be revised by creating that flow and transparency, meaning, you can still call the following paragraph as a solution, but rather than enumerating the points, you can let the sentences flow like they are a part of the entire essay and not like a stand alone one.

Lastly, don't forget that what you are writing is a solution to what seems to be a growing epidemic, however, this does not mean that you have to focus on that aspect, you also have to strengthen the idea or the body of your paragraph and make sure that it is as strong as your introduction and conclusion.

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