GRE ISSUE essay
Hello,
Can you please rate from 0-6 and give some suggestions about my essay? I really appreciate your help.
Issue:
Claim: In any field-business, politics, education, government-those in power should step down after five years.
Reason: The surest path to success for any enterprise is revitalization through new leadership.
Essay:
The recent decades have witness rapid development in science and technology. Success in any field is stressed by the public. It is well known that leadership is one of the significant contribution to success. Among different fields, leadership plays different but equally essential roles. Some claim that power should step down after five years, because revitalization through new leadership is the surest path to success. Tough it is true in areas such as politics and government, fields such as business and education is not applicable. Constructing reputation and winning trust from the public often need time, while on the other hand, long-term power result in corruption or even illicit behaviors.
To begin with, empowering the leader long time, more than five years is benefit to establishing health and effective relationship between educator and the students. Leading an educational institution is not always an easy task. The leader, say chair of the university, needs to develop curriculums for students in different colleges with various majors to educate more well-rounded individuals. In addition, leader is acquired to develop standard fair promotion of staff and faculty in the school, attracting more brilliant researchers. More importantly, leaders integrate all possible resources, such as alumni and company donation, interaction with other schools and so forth. Without long time development of all kinds of relationship, leader is not likely to be successful. Once the leader wins trust from many parts, including students, parents, educators, government and public, there is no reason for him/her to step down power, since new building new leadership and earning reputation cost much effort and time.
What is also worth mentioning is that leader in business is better to serve in long term. Every business cycles happening in the economics can last for many years. For example, according to the empirical theorem discovered in macroeconomics, recession takes place around every eight years. If the leader only maintain power for five years, it is much difficult to deal with recession in the country, since the new leader might not be well prepared to confront with economic difficulty at the start of his appointment. The business policies, in addition, usually implemented by the Fed and Central Bank require some time to discuss, implement, record effects and analyze. Instead of focusing more short-term effects, many economical decisions like printing money and increasing interest rate have more indispensable financial and commercial impact in the long run. it would be more effective to work with the leader team who come up with this new idea and any suggestions or improvement can be made more easily, in that policy makers are familiar with their policies. The citizens, hence, will more plausible to gain higher income and personal wellness can be enhanced greatly due to efficient cooperation between previous leaders.
On the other hand, we need to be cautious when considering the duration of leadership. In government, many corrupted actions may take place due to high powers. Thus, for the government, leaders are better replaced by new ones. The leader of the government take charge of a mass of resources, including landlord, taxes and so on. Many people will be materialized and cannot bear with wealth adduction. One classic example is corruption. Some manufacturing companies in the city, in order to reduce cost, are unwilling to install the most advanced environment friendly equipment and so cause lots of pollutants and not disposable wastes. These companies, according to the government regulation, should be closed and never restart their production until they meets the criteria of the environment production. However, they can skip cession of their company by sending some money to government leaders. Thus, leaders can pretend to ignore their illicit behaviors. In conclusion, powers can strengthen people but can also devastate people. Even the previously most reputed and venerated leader can be ruined by money.
To sum up, the ways leading to success can vary depending on various conditions and different fields. In order to fully take advantage of power, people should implement policy independently. Based on aforementioned argument, new leadership is acquired in government and politics after five years, whereas that is needed after even longer time in business and education.I will give you 5 out of 6. Length,word choice, style is good. A wide range of vocab was used. But you still have made some spelling error. For example, in the first sentence of the essay part, it should be "have witnessed" not " have witness". I think you need to work on your phrase. You may wish to use a thesaurus to reduce your usage of the following words and/or phrases in your essay: because, many, and so, well, more, easy, any, is, but...Hope that my comment would be constructive
@yyu340
Hello there!
As someone has already given you a rating, I would rather prefer to focus more on content-based feedback so that you may improve your writing.
First and foremost, watch out for your usage of the forms of verbs/terms/words. I would be cautious if you are using the appropriate ones within context. I will put this into perspective later on in my revision.
Secondly, work a little bit more on your structure. Baffling structures can hinder you from having academically acceptable content. If you can do this, you'll be able to develop a more enhanced form of technical writing.
Third, I would recommend avoiding using lengthy sentence structures in the meantime. I have noticed how you tend to compress a lot of thoughts into a single chunk of sentence. Having a more organic approach through writing in intervals is better.
Lastly, being straightforward (omitting unnecessary/irrelevant details) is a critical step to ensure you optimize your essay's space.
Having said that, let's revise the initial parts of your essay as a reference point for these comments.
... have witnessed rapid developments in ... Success in any ... public. It is well known that ... significant contribution contributors to success. Among different fields, leadership this plays different various but and yet ... Some claim that ... to success. There are claims that the path of success requires that a person of authority should step down after half a decade. Though it is true in areas such as of politics and government, fields such as ... applicableit would not apply for the business and education sectors. Constructing Gaining reputation and winning the trust from of the public often need time, while, on ... long-term power can result in corruption or even and other illicit behaviors.
Best of luck in your writing!
