Home / Writing Feedback   ✓ % width Posts: 3

The figure of children born to 40-44 years old women in Australia for four different years

ded15 6 / 9 1
Dec 29, 2016   #1
The table illustrates the number of children born to 40-44 years old women in Australia for four different years (1981, 1986, 1996 and 2006). It can be seen from the table that the first three categories had an increasing from the first period to the last period. While, three children and four or more children categories experienced a reduction from the first period to the last period.‎

In 1981, the highest proportion of women in the age group was which has two children at 29% and then experienced significantly increasing until the end period at 38.3%. None and two children categories also followed this trend, having its increasing from 8.5% in 1981 to 15.9% in 2006 and from 7.6% in 1981 to 13.2% in 2006 respectively.

Both of three children and four or more children categories experienced a reduction in its proportion. Women who has three children was 27.4% in 1981 and then dropped down gradually to 21.5% in 2006. While, women who has four or more children reduced significantly from 27,6% in the first period to just 11% in the last period.

hanasufiarahma 3 / 4
Dec 29, 2016   #2
Hi Dedy, Good Evening. I will try to give some suggestions. Here there are :

....was which has...-->it should be:who had

... its increasing from (...) to 13.2% in 2006 respectively.-->If you want to using "respectively", your sentence should be:From 1981 to 2006, none and two children categories also followed this trend at 8,5%, 15,19%, 7,6%, 13,2% respectively.

Women who has three children was 27.4% ...-->it is better if you write : Women who had three children started at 27.4% in 1981. However in the next 15 years, it was decrease at 21,5%.

akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275
Dec 30, 2016   #3
Hello Mister Dedy..

I have read your writing. In this moment, I will get an attempt to review your contents, not focusing on your grammar. Please, meet my note and deal with them.

Actually, you have tried to present the overview. However, it could bring clear information. You have only written three categories whereas you have to show informative overview. Apart from that, you are supposed to convert the data to real activity. I mean you can describe the meaning of the data given. For example, you can write that THE RATE OF FEMALE FERTILITY FOR THE GROUP OF 40-44 YEARS OLD WOMEN HAD DECLINED. Based on the band descriptors, to obtain the score more than 6, you should present a clear of main trends. You cannot directly say the data increases or declines. There you need an analyze. I believe you can improve that in next term.

Turning to the body paragraph, you have passed one of essential prompts in the writing task1. You don't forget that your job in this writing is to compare the figures, not to describe the data separately. It is not gonna seem the attractive explanation. The sense of comparisons is supposed to present in the writing task 1 because the examiner wants to recognize your ability in the analyze. Besides that, you have to distinguish between the conjunction and linking words. While is a conjunction, and meanwhile is the linking word. There is frankly the linking word, but you wrote the conjunction. Provide more time to learn the matter.

Hopefully, these can help you to master this skill. To improve your writing, you should review more example of writing task 1 and practice more and more.

Overall, it is a good job.
Happy writing
Good LUck

 Home / Writing Feedback / The figure of children born to 40-44 years old women in Australia for four different years