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'Finance equally' - [IELTS] Prevention is better than cure?


Tomy6240 2 / 3  
Aug 26, 2012   #1
Please give me some comment and feedback! If you can help me correct my mistakes in the essay, I will be much more appreciated! THANK YOU!

"Prevention is better than cure."
Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

One question that has caused a great deal of controversy over the years is health financial plan. Many commentators are on the view a huge fraction of health finances should be spent on prevention campaigns whist there are those who believe more funding should be distributed to treatment than anticipatory events. From my personal perspective, an equal balance of funding to treatment and pre-emptive campaigns is an ideal ratio. This viewpoint will be further scrutinized in the following paragraphs.

To begin with, it is often said that a high number of incorrigible sickness are caused by the lack of prevention measures. For instance, many smokers are not aware of the detrimental effects that smoking can bring. Such harmful effects include cancer, aging and more. However, experts believe if governments are able to increase awareness of incurable sickness such as educating children on sun-screen protection in school to prevent skin cancer, not only the number of irredeemable disease cases will fall, but also it is cost-saving to the government as there will be lesser patients seeking for treatments.

Despite the funding on prevention measure, there are, of course, oppositions who believe a large ratio of health finances should be apportioned on cure. This is due to the fact that a large number of irredeemable illnesses such as cancer are caused by family genetic. Medical researchers state that these deadly diseases are often inevitable and it is essential for governments to allocate extra funding on these treatments.

My conclusion would be that this is a well-balance issue. It is necessary for the ministry of health to equally finance between prevention measure and treatment.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Aug 26, 2012   #2
Many commentatorspeople are on the view that a hugemajor fraction of health financesfinancing should be spent on prevention campaigns whistwhilstthere are those whoothers believe more funding should be distributedmade to treatment than anticipatory events.

pre-emptiveprevention campaigns

I think prevention is the most suitable word here that goes with health issues better. Preemptive too means taking action against something possible, but it is not often used on health topics. It's mostly used with issues relating to war, authority, business etc. :)This is my view and hope to hear the ideas of others too :)
clarkmc 3 / 17  
Aug 27, 2012   #3
the same question that i got from my last ielts exam. You've stated a very good argument and vocabularies.
April April 13 / 148 22  
Aug 27, 2012   #4
irredeemable illnesses such as cancer are caused by family genetic --- irredeemable illnesses such as cancer are HEREDITARY ('hereditary' is a better word, but I don't think cancer has anything to do with the genetic thing)

there will be lesser patients --- there will be FEWER patients

I think your intro is a bit too long while the 2nd body para needs a few more details. In the conclusion you need to paraphrase the topic before stating your opinion.

Best
OP Tomy6240 2 / 3  
Aug 27, 2012   #5
Thank you all for the feedback! :)

Any idea how I can improve my style of writing? I need to get an IELTS band score of 8.0 =(


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