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IELTS: Financial success enables individuals to acquire a comfortable and relaxing life


xyx0905 16 / 49  
Apr 11, 2012   #1
1. Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

With the incredible economic growth has significantly improved people's living standards in recent decades, some start to believe that a happy life is mainly base on a solid economic foundation. However, others claim that other factors should also be taken into account. 42

It is accepted that financial success enables individuals to acquire a comfortable and relaxing life, in which a sense of joyful enormously enhanced. When bearing a heavy financial pressure, people rarely have the ability to develop their own interest. In contrast, wealthy ones have a freedom to do what they preferred as money is no longer a top issue. In addition, the possession of economic wealth elevates a person's cheerful feeling, as it is an essential part of self-fulfilment. The huge amount of fortune is not only recognition of an individual's hardworking but also a reward for their great talents and strong will. 103

However, happiness is constituted by other non-monetary related components. Firstly, a health body is a prerequisite to achieve a enjoyable life. If some people were unwell in bed for years, they could neither appreciate scenic views around the world nor taste delicious food of nations. In this case, these individuals are unlikely to become the happy ones. Secondly, a harmonious and close relationship with friends and families makes contribution to happiness. This is because that support and care from their beloved ones enable them to dispel negative feelings and have a positive attitude towards future life. 96

In conclusion, it is convincing financial strength can be regarded as a factor to achieve a happy life. However, other elements such as physical well-being and family affection should also be indispensable supplements. 33 / 274

jai124 1 / 1  
Apr 12, 2012   #2
With the incredible economic growth, people's living standard has been significantly improved in recent decades . Some start to believe that a happy life is mainly based on a solid economic foundation. However, others claim that other factors should also be taken into account. 42

It is accepted that financial success enables individuals to acquire a comfortable and relaxing life, in which a sense of joyful is enormously enhanced. Firstly, a healthy body is a prerequisite to achieve a enjoyable life.

In conclusion, it is convincing that financial strengthstability can be regarded as a factor to achieve a happy life. However, other elements such as physical well-being and family affection should also be indispensable supplements. 33 / 274

In my opinion, the essay conveyed your argument well in sense that there was not any vague point. I am not sure with the grammar but I just corrected some of them which I thought it is a bit incorrect.
OP xyx0905 16 / 49  
Apr 13, 2012   #3
incredibley economic growthing

there has no " growthing " found in dictionary. "growth" is a noun. there has no "ing" form of a noun. in the normal circumstance, you can add "ing" to a verb to make a word to verb-ing form or adjective.

It is accepted (I think it's better to use: It is undeniable)

It is accepted is better than it is undeniable in this essay writing, the reason is my position is to support in order to obtain a sense of happiness, i believe economic success is just one of component. I tend to support the factors in my third paragraph. So the word "accept" is medium power to use here. Normally I use " it is undeniable" in the paragraph which represents my position.

would be are

again, I rarely use virtual voice in the paragraph which represents my position. however, I agree with you that "are likely" may not appropriate. probably i can change to " could become"

it is convincing (I recommend to use: I am convinced that)

My writing style is: if possible avoid all "I" or "Our" or "My" in the introduction and conclusion. Therefore, I prefer to use it is convincing.

Thank you for your help. Cheers

xyx0905
scarlet_bouquet 1 / 6  
Apr 13, 2012   #4
Hi xyx0905,

scarlet_bouquet:
incredibley economic growthing
there has no " growthing " found in dictionary. "growth" is a noun. there has no "ing" form of a noun. in the normal circumstance, you can add "ing" to a verb to make a word to verb-ing form or adjective.

Oh, I'm so sorry, i do have mistake in this correction, thank you for your feedback.

scarlet_bouquet:
it is convincing (I recommend to use: I am convinced that)

My writing style is: if possible avoid all "I" or "Our" or "My" in the introduction and conclusion. Therefore, I prefer to use it is convincing.

I understand that you want to keep your writing as neutral as possible, however, as the question also suggest you to "give your own opinion" then i believe that there's no where better to do such job as in the conclusion. Anyway, that's just my opinion only.

I think your writing is really clear and good structure.

If you don't mind, i would like to invite you to give your comments on my topic too.
jaijagadeesh 7 / 13  
Apr 13, 2012   #5
Hi,your essay is perfect apart from some minor grammatical mistakes.However,in second para you should have used different supporting subject or have given proper supporting argument.

a health body is a prerequisite to achieve a enjoyable life. If some people were unwell in bed for years, they could neither appreciate scenic views around the world nor taste delicious food.

A billionaire suffering from chronic disease would not enjoy normal life,despite of having surplus money he is abandon to travel or even have an ordinary meal.Moreover,a good human relations play an important role in alleviating mental agony and keeps harmonies life,in spite affluence one failed to maintain content relations with his family or friends his's/her's life would be far from solace.

Even i am not good at essay but trying to add ideas.
OP xyx0905 16 / 49  
Apr 13, 2012   #6
Hi Scarlet_bouquet,

This is my position at conclusion, but I didn't use "I"

However, other elements such as physical well-being and family affection should also be indispensable supplements.

Sure, I am glad to help you but not grammatical issues. :-)

By the way, many of my essay are only about 260-290 words, the reason why I keep all my writings within this word limit is that I strongly believe in the exam I have no time to write lot lot words, but I can keep it simple, clear, minimise the grammatical errors. If I clearly deliver my ideas, and with no major grammatical errors, I deserve a decent mark, shouldn't I?

Cheers
OP xyx0905 16 / 49  
Apr 13, 2012   #7
Hi Jaijagadeesh,

Thank you for your message.

A billionaire suffering from chronic disease would not (is unlikely) to enjoy normal life, despite of having surplus money he is (has no choice but to) abandon to travel (travelling around world) or even have (deleted) an ordinary meal (taste a delicious food). N.B.: a word "ordinary" is no appropriate to use here, I understand you want to say a normal meal, but "ordinary" has a derogatory sense, means, a person or things is nothing or no special.

Moreover,a good human relations (I will use "interpersonal relationship rather than human relation) play an important role in alleviating mental agony and keeps harmonies life,in spite affluence one failed to maintain content relations with his family or friends his's/her's life would be far from solace.

cheers


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