Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

TOEFL [To be a financially responsible adult, children should manage their own money at]


Shawn1974 1 / -  
Sep 25, 2013   #1
To be a financially responsible adult, children should manage their own money at a young age.

While some people say that it is too early for children to manage their own money, I cannot help but agree with the statement that children should start to manage their own money at young ages to be financially responsible adults. (Thesis) The main reason is that money management at early ages can teach children the value of money. In addition, failing to teach children money management can bring about severe consequences that children will suffer greatly from when they grow up.

To begin with, money management can instill the value of money in children. When parents teach children money management, they usually have their children earn their own money by assigning them household chores. Having to make and manage their own money, children learn that they not only have to put a lot of time and effort in order to make money but also plan their spending in advance not to squander their earnings. Let me take my personal experience for example. My high school friends Min always went back home by no later than seven o'clock at night. Later I found out that he needed to fit an hour for household chores into his schedule so that he could get allowance. With the money he earned, he bought stationaries and paid for frivolous things. Most importantly, he never spent his money impulsively.

Also, if parents fail to teach their children money management skills, their children will suffer from severe consequences when they become adults. Many children become adults not knowing how to manage their salaries, so they end up wasting their paychecks on unnecessary things such as expensive cars or electronics. Some young adults max out their credit cards. For instance, my cousin Jin got a very good job after graduating from college last year. However, he has been under a great financial stress ever since even with the handsome paychecks he gets. What happened was that his parents gave him all the money he needed and even paid for his college education and nice sports car, thinking that he would be as good at managing his salary as he was at his academics. As a result, het wasted all his paychecks on things he didn't need. Now he is paying for his irresponsible actions.

In conclusion, it is evident that responsible parents should teach their children money management skills at early ages to make them understand the value of money and help them avoid unwanted financial hardships many uninformed young adults experience. Financially responsible young adults are not made over night; it takes many years of practice for them to master money management skills.

minhvupt 3 / 2 1  
Sep 25, 2013   #2
use more conjuction
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Sep 25, 2013   #3
When parents teach childrenmoney management, they usually have their children earn their own money by assigning them household chores.

... you used the same term "money management" in the previous sentence. So avoid repeating it in this one.

Having to make and manage their own money, children learn that they not only have to put a lot of time and effort in order to make money but also plan their spending in advance not to squander their earnings.

By earning and managing money, children would understand the difficulties of that task. This makes them be more responsible and disciplined with spending money.
You write very well. Your body paragraphs are well structured. Just pay some attention to the introduction and of course to what dumi suggested. That structure sounds more logical.


Home / Writing Feedback / TOEFL [To be a financially responsible adult, children should manage their own money at]