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"First date" - narrative essay essay (need advice)

justinlove 1 / -  
Feb 5, 2008   #1
Hello people. Below is a narrative essay about my first date with my boyfriend. It's due tomorrow .
It's the first paper I've written in quite some time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

"You can go home early if you tell me you love me like a fat kid loves cake" Justin joked.
"Are you serious?" I said I couldn't keep from cracking up. He made everyone laugh, but never said anything like this to me before.

Standing in front of me all 6' 6" of him, his uniform stained from a hard days work he still managed looked handsome.
"Yeah, after this rush that's all you have to do and you can go." He said with a smile.
His dark brown curls peeked out from under his hat. His hazel eyes staring into mine, gold flecks dancing in the light. Seconds felt like days. He didn't look away. My face felt like it was on fire. I knew it turned bright red. My heart was pounding like it was about to jump out of my chest. Butterflies danced in my stomach. We had been working side by side,in the kitchen at Culvers together almost two years. Somehow it felt like I was seeing him for the first time. I didn't know much about him except he was a hard worker,a student, friendly with everyone and a nice guy. For a minute I forgot where I was. The incessant beeping of the fry timers brought me back to reality.

"Back to work." I thought to myself.
90 degrees and customers kept piling in hungry for root beer floats, cheeseburgers, and hot dogs.We were trying to keeping up with all the orders. Burgers were sizzling on the grill. The smell of fried chicken filled the air. Fry timers beeping in my ear. Around 3pm the resturaunt finally quieted down.

"Ok , I love you like a fat kid loves cake." I said
Justin laughed " Okay you can go. If your not busy tonight , some of the guys from the kitchen are meeting at my place to grill out. Then we're heading to Pettibone Park to play some frisbee golf.

You are welcome to come if you want." He said
"Sure it's 608-799-0786. See you tonight." I said.
"Wow" I thought," he likes me!" Thoughts raced through my mind.
I got home, put my feet up and day dreamed about Justin. I was excited about seeing him later. It was 6:30 when the phone rang. My heart was beating fast, I jumped up and checked the caller I.d. It was him!

"Hello" I said
"Is Nikki there?" He asked
"This is her." I said
" Hi, I was worried that either you gave me a fake number or wouldn't answer." He said.
How are you?"
"Good, how are you?"
Trying to keep my cool. Aw, he's nervous too I thought. He gave me his address and we hung up. Weird I thought he only lives two blocks away, we are neighbors. I showered, threw on my usual t-shirt and jeans. I walked over to Justins with a big old smile on my face. When I got to his house I found him in the backyard with Jon, Mike and Sam from work.

"Whats up?" I said
"Hey I'm glad you came over. The foods almost ready, can I get you a beer? I got some Spotted Cow." He said

" Yes please, Hey we have something in common thats my favorite beer. And I could really use a drink after such a busy day " I said.

We sat in the grass under the bright blue sky and talked.
"So what are you majoring in ?" I asked.
" I'm graduating this may for graphic design." He said.
"I'd love to see some of your work." I said.
I was impressed, He's a good catch I thought. He's attractive and creative. Hardworking, funny and responsible.
"Wow it must be tough to juggle school and work." I said.
"Yeah its stressful sometimes but I really enjoy my classes". He said.
The more we talked the more I wanted to get to know him. He had me feeling inspired to go back to school.
About an hour later we piled in Justins car and headed across the Mississippi to Pettibone Park. We walked through the park past people fishing, biking and kids playing. He walked next to me like we were the only ones there. I told him I'd neverplayed frisbee golf before. He took my hand. He showed me how to throw the frisbee. My first attempt made it about 15 yards, the guys laughed. I felt nervous but didn't give up. Justin was amazing his first throw flew past the trees and landed on the grass at least 150 yards head. 18 holes later he was still right by my side.I has a blast. The sun was setting over the trees, reds oranges and pinks filled the summer sky.

We went back to Justins house. He handed me a beer and we sat down on the couch and watched a movie. The other guys headed out but I was having a good time and decided to stay. I felt so comfortable with him. He put his arm around me, he smelled so good. We talked and talked. He leaned over and kissed me it was the most amazing kiss ever.I put my head on his chest. I woke surrounded by darkness.I realized I had passed out in his arms. It was 7am I had to be to work in an hour. I told him I had a great time with him. He said he did too and would call me. A week passed and I hadn't heard from him. I kept worrying what went wrong. I had such a great time and I thought he had too. I had never met a guy like him before.He made me feel comfortable being myself and happy being with him. My previous boyfriends combined couldn't compare to how he treated me or how he made me feel. I hoped and wished and prayed he would call me.

Out of the blue the phone rang. It was Justin. I could hardly contain my excitement. He told me he had gone out of town with his family. He said he thought about me everyday. My heart melted, I was so happy. 7months later and we are more in love everyday. He makes me so happy. Just being with him makes me want to better myself.I've finally started back to school. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. You can spend your whole life searchingthe world trying to find true love like this. Sometimes all you have to do is open your eyes and realize he has been standing in front of you.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Feb 6, 2008   #2

You've written a good essay. I have just a few editing tips:

I jumped up and checked the caller I.D. It was him! [Technically, it should be "It was he!" but since no one says this correctly any more, it sounds odd. I'd advise you to just say "It was Justin!" That way, the grammar is correct and it sounds right, too.]

"This is her." I said [Again, it should be "This is she," but since you'd probably never say that, you could say "This is Nikki."]

The food's almost ready, can I get you a beer? I got some Spotted Cow." [You don't have to say "he said" every time; it was obvious who was speaking.]

"Yes please. Hey, we have something in common--that's my favorite beer. And I could really use a drink after such a busy day." [Again, it's obvious it's you answering him.]

You might want to review the rules on punctuation. It seemed I needed to change most of your periods to commas, and commas to periods. :-) But it's a very sweet story, and it's great that he inspired you to return to school!

Best of luck in your studies!


Sarah, EssayForum.com

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