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My first essay exercise - "we learn our most important lessons in school?"


HellANgel 1 / 1  
Jun 10, 2009   #1
Thanks a lot *^_^*
It's my first exercise. I know there are many defects. Willing to take any criticism, just throw them at me

topic: Some people think that we learn our most important lessons in school. Other thinks that the knowledge we acquired outside of school is the most important. Which view do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support you opinion.

article:

As we see, this issue is so complex and so controversial that many people might hold different view due to their respective angle. Someone may agree that we can reap more benefit from school. In my opinion, however, I have good grounds to conclude that we should attach importance to acquire knowledge from society, which is more important than learning in school.

First of all, it would be an inerrability to draw this conclusion generally and the merit of this conclusion is that encouraging student to have an internship outside school will increase their activity to study questions independently, broaden their imagination, and finally they will be more creativity. "What make us more success is that we employ many graduates who have many internship and who are so creativity." Said hushobadao, the CEO of CD&D which is a one of biggest underwear corporate, interviewed by shayebushi, "It can help our company solve problem in a creativity way and also can help us to accelerate the process of product innovation" Compared with CD&D, SLBJ, another company which competed with CD&D and which had pay much attention to graduate's book knowledge, has been bankrupt now. Hence, it clearly appears that the knowledge from society is more important and we will be beneficial from it

As a matter of fact, the knowledge we acquired outside of school can indeed help
scholastics to solve specific problem quickly and exactly just because the students are rich in practical experience. If we can not solve practical problem more exactly and can not acquire more useful experience from the society, Tsinghai University, Peking University and many other famous university will require their student studying in school primarily, instead of encouraging them to engage in internship. The recent survey, conducted by Beijing Municipal Bureau of Statistics, show that 89.33% parents agree their children to participate in practical work, just because it can increase the children's ability to solve practical problem quickly and exactly, an important skill when the children step into society. From these and such like considerations, it is easy to see that practical experience is more important than theory.

One may argue that so long as learning lessons in school will be good for student, even if it brings a little benefit. To give the devil his due, it is no difficult to discover that it is really good for us, because the theory learned from school can help us step into society conveniently or immediately. However, this issue does not take into account that abundant cases indicate a catastrophic failure in Daban, a small town in Japan, where students study in school primarily, just because they ignored the importance of society experience. Although the graduates there were rich in the theory, they cannot solve the any practical problem independently. This frustration forced Daban to change its method.

In other words, the knowledge learned in school is not a critical factor!

In conclusion, so complex is this issue, requiring subjective judgment, and so different are personal experience and emotional concerns among people from diverse culture that every individual might hold unique perspective. According to me, from this view the subject, I'd like to agree that we acquire the knowledge outside of school is the more important.

EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jun 10, 2009   #2
Before: "As we see, this issue is so complex and so controversial that many people might hold different view due to their respective angle. Someone may agree that we can reap more benefit from school. In my opinion, however, I have good grounds to conclude that we should attach importance to acquiring knowledge from society, which is more important than learning in school."

After: "Knowledge learned from society is more valuable than knowledge gained in school"

Nothing else in your introduction particularly needed saying. If you want to have an introduction that is longer than one sentence, you might start by defining your key terms -- what do you mean by "knowledge learned from society," and "knowledge learned from school?" You could also preview your reasoning -- why do you believe that the former is better than the latter. Your first sentence of your second paragraph, for instance, probably belongs in the intro.

Be concise, and use parallel structure:

"First of all, it would be an inerrability to draw this conclusion generally and the merit of this conclusion is that Encouraging students to have an internship outside school will teach them toincrease their positivity tostudy questions think independently, broaden their imagination, and make them finally they will be more creative."

I'll hold off on editing the rest of the essay until you have gone through and revised for conciseness. Try to say what you want to say in as few words as possible.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jun 11, 2009   #3
Sean has expressed my feelings exactly!

Another example:

If we could not solve practical problem more exactly and can not acquire more useful experience from the society, Tsinghua University, Peking University and many other famous universitieswould notrequire their student studying in school primarily, instead of encouragetheir students to engage in internships .

Please do revise for conciseness, saying directly what you mean in as few words as possible. Then we can help with grammar and content.
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Jun 12, 2009   #4
First ten errors, and a conceptual error.

-"As we know..." If we know already, why are you mentioning it without anything intriguing to add?
-Good schooling includes critical thinking skills, above anything else.
-Your first sentence is a run on that loses its meaning. Split it into two sentences or fragments; Schooling provides for teaching you mostly narrow academic skills, while real experiences bestow on us a creative ensemble of techniques for dealing with problems imaginatively, and innovatively.

-No one cares what you "prefer", or for your opinion. Your essay is not you, and won't be saved by you; it's meant as a way of demonstrating through written communication why one method of learning is better than the other.

-"First of all" is obsolete, but perfectly acceptable I suppose, if you're lazy, rushed, or unable to come up with anything better.

-"...increase their positivity" You could clean that up with a more descriptive phrase.
-"...and finally **they will** be more creative" This does not conform with the manner of words preceding it -- at least remove "they will," in order to retain consistency.

-"What make us more success is that we employ many graduates who have many internship and who are so creative." You might want to include a [sic], to indicate that that is as the quote is, if indeed it is.

-"Aimer, another company which competed with CD&D and which had pay much attention to graduate's book knowledge, has been bankrupt now. Hence, it clearly appears that the knowledge from society is more important and we will be benefit from it" Am I to extrapolate from this anecdote that your thesis is made? If anything is clear, it's that you're quick to pull the trigger, or believe that your audience is quick to assume on nary evidence.

-It's usually incorrect to begin a new paragraph with "as a matter of fact." Conclude your thoughts in the previous pargraph first, and if you'd like to bond the next paragraph to it, come up with a new idea that relates.

Look, take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Sometimes I'm a bit harsh and people take it personally. I'm not stupid though; there are enough people who could put me in my place.

I used to get extremely angry when people criticised me, and still do somewhat, but I'm working on it.

It doesn't help any to take things personally -- be sensitive and stubborn to your ways, defending them at any cost.

Instead, just ask yourself if you want to improve? Take criticism as a motivation to improve yourself, so there's no longer any chink in your armor.

There's abundant evidence in your essay, but don't make the mistake of assuming from point to point, that they prove something without any doubt.

That is the greatest weakness in your essay right now.

The upside: I can read your essay and understand everything you are saying. I understand what concepts you are trying to convey -- I feel you don't back them up with supplemental evidence, and moderation.

If I was grading this critically, I'd give it 15/20 on grammar and sentence mechanics, 17/20 on paragraph mechanics, and 50/60 on critical analysis of text.

That's the grading rubric from my English class btw.

Practice reading and writing a lot. If nothing else, read news articles. In google you can type "define: [word]" and you'll get a fair definition of most words instantly.

Participate in this forum -- my writing has improved greatly for it.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jun 12, 2009   #5
You still have a fair amount that you can cut in the intro:

"As we know, We can gain muchsome knowledge from school, such as problem solving skills of solving exercise problems, some theories and so on , while we can learn a great deal more from practical experiences , (you need a stronger example here)gain an ability to solve problem in a creative way from society.In my opinion,I would prefer thatThus, knowledge learned from society is more valuable than knowledge gained in school."

The rest of your essay is stronger, though, which is good news. You should still cut some of the more informal filler, as Mustafa pointed out. Phrases such as "As a matter of fact" really shouldn't appear anywhere in your essay.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jun 12, 2009   #6
I'd get rid of phrases such as "give the devil his due" too.

I'm more concerned by grammar than by content at this point. For example, your conclusion is incoherent because it has four prefacing phrases -- "in conclusion," "according to me," (which Mustapha is right you should avoid), and "from this view of the subject," and "I'd like to agree that" -- followed by a a main clause -- "we acquire the knowledge outside of school is the more important" -- that is grammatically incorrect.
OP HellANgel 1 / 1  
Jun 13, 2009   #7
thanks a lot, Special thanks to Mustafa1991. I know this article is far from perfect. But there are only six days away from the examination (iBT) .

After that I will come here frequently to improve my writing ability.

Thanks again for Sean and Simone

:)


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