Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

IELTS Task 1 : Fitness membership among male and female (rewrite)


SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 20, 2014   #1
Hi, all. I am preparing for IELTS exam. As my practicing, this is my latest writing. Please give me advice about the pattern, grammatical error, and is my writing appropriate with the task responses. Thank you

====================================
The chart shows information regarding a comparison of women and men fitness membership between 1970 and 2000.

According to the chart, both males and females membership fluctuated over a-thirty year period, however, there were greater fluctuation among male membership than female membership.

Turning to the details, appearing with 1000 member in 1970, the number of women member remained stable to nearly 2000 in the following ten years. After a short peak period in 1985, this trend continued the fluctuation by under 3000 between 1990 and 2000.

Standing in contrast with the counterpart, the male memberships, stood at 2000, rose sharply to 4000 in 1975 then this trend declined rapidly before experienced a gradual rebound to approximately 5000 in 1995. However, after the top notch numbers, this fitness membership figure dropped sharply to 1000 members in 2000.

Interestingly, by comparison with 1970 membership in which the numbers of men membership was getting increase, in 2000 the female membership showed the reverse.




MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Mar 20, 2014   #2
The chart shows information regarding a comparison of women and men fitness membership between 1970 and 2000.

The chart compares the number of female and male members of a fitness club between 1970 and 2000.
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Mar 20, 2014   #3
the number of women member

the number of female members

remained stable

I think female membership experienced an upward trend during this time as it nearly doubled its 1970 figure after 10 years. Also, this make your next words "continued the fluctuation" not very logical to me.

Interestingly, by comparison with 1970 membership in which the numbers of men membership was getting increase, in 2000 the female membership showed the reverse.

This part is not very necessary. Instead, you could add one more sentence in your overview. For example, male membership surpassed the corresponding figure for women in the majority of the years within the period, with the exception of 1985 and 2000.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Mar 20, 2014   #4
This part is not very necessary.

Yes, I couldn't agree more.

Interestingly,....

This part can be used to introduce a fact that exists only in a particular place.
In this chart, there are no diversities of the two figures for women in 1970 and men in 2000 if compared to the other ones. Hence, this can't be categorized as 'uniqueness.'


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Fitness membership among male and female (rewrite)