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"FIVE". What does five mean to you? 250 words or less

kateporter 1 / -  
Aug 19, 2016   #1
Five. Five hours. Five hours I was in the school. Five long hours, I was there, unsure if I was going to live another five minutes. Five hours of peeking through blinds, watching five hours' worth of police pull up. Five hours seeing the SWAT team and armored vehicles from behind dusty windows. Five hours of panicked desperation. Five words, repeated and over and over, but never really believed- "It's going to be okay." Even if I get to live another five years, those five hours will never feel okay. Five police with five guns in our classroom. Five seconds of sheer terror as five pairs of shielded eyes swept the room. Five men ready to pull the trigger. Five fingers on both hands in the air, one for each time I'd been sung "Happy Birthday" that day. Five times I said a prayer. Five missed calls from my mother. Five minutes of tears and hugging my sister. Five times I tried to start the car with shaky hands. Five times my mother asked me if I was alright. Five times I said nothing. The next five nights were nightmares about the five hours of my life I will never forget. Five hours made me grateful for the five seconds it takes to give a hug, the five minutes to help with the groceries, the five months of my little sister's soccer games. Five hours to remember the five younger siblings I love with all my heart. Five hours.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Aug 20, 2016   #2
Hi Kate, welcome to EssayForum :)

If I'm not mistaken, I have read similar thread to this one. But, the difference is the number. The previous essay that I've been read is "four". I believe that both of you also have similar writing style. I am not really sure whether this is the perfect way to compose this type of essay or not. For me, reading your essay seems like reading a poem, or a piece of creative writing. I am not an expert of poetry or creative writing but I do have some experience in academic writing. Therefore, I hope that I am still able to help you by sharing one of my insights.

However, first of all I think that you missed one most important part in writing an appropriate sentence. A sentence is called a sentence if it has a minimum of 1 clause. As you know, a clause consists of at least a subject and a verb. So, I think that this is the major problem of your essay that can be minimized or reduced. You can re-read and re-check your essay once or twice to make sure that at least a sentence should consist of 1 subject and 1 verb.

Second of all, you need to avoid making fragmented sentences. This sentence still needs help.
- Even if I getam able to live for another five years , those five hours will never feel okay. (do "five hours" can feel something?)

All in all, your essay is quite well-written. Some modifications or revisions would be helpful I guess. Good luck for that :)

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