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IELTS essay : Fixed punishment for each type of crime or Flexibility in punishing?

Paijin 3 / 11  
Jul 5, 2012   #1
Please help me to evaluate and rate this essay. I will appreciate you so much, Thank you.

Topic : Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Other, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In generally, a person who is suspected to be a criminal, and proved that he or she is guilty. They should be punishment by laws. It is basically judgment in standard of society. In addition, many crimes have different in evidences and motivations that lead to wide of rates in punishment. However, some people argue that the punishment should be fixed for each kind of violation, while others believed that each crime has different background. Hence, it may have variety of rates in punishment.

In my opinion, punishment should be fixed in each type of crime, because it will create equality in society. For instance, if riches peoples do a crime, they will get same punishment as poorest peoples. This will make peace in every status of society.

Moreover, standard punishment will make people realize in social regulation and laws. Therefore, they will not do any culpability over others. Examples n Singapore, where is strictly fixed in rules. Singaporean usually is severely following the regulations, such as crossing street. If driver crashes people who were not passing over street by crosswalk, will not guilty in this accident. From this evidence, it forces people to follow the rules.

On the other hand, fixed rules might not suitable in some crime that need to investigation. Especially in some murder case may happen by accident or protecting oneself. These circumstances may lead to conversely judgment, because it is differential driving force. For example, In some state, father who accidentally killed a man was not got any punishment, due to the fact that murdered man tried to rape his daughter. By this example is showed that fixed punishment may not right in this verdict. It is showed that conditions and motivations may need to use in court decision.

To sum up, fixed punishment may need to use in standard regulations for social harmonizing. However, some punishment should be adjust by follow situation and motivation in each crime. These will appoint peacefully in society.
OP Paijin 3 / 11  
Jul 5, 2012   #2
Thank you LT,

I will correct all of your comments both in my writing paper. They are so useful.

Otherwise, I understand what you mention about my weakness of grammar and structure. So Please you kindly advise me further about tips or How can I improve them? ( beside writing essay)

Thank you again
peterc 14 / 52  
Jul 5, 2012   #3
Hi Paijin,

There are a lot of grammatical mistakes in your essay. I am pretty sure that you've made some effort to read some IELTS related materials on essay writing (e.g. "some people argue that...", "For instance", etc.). However you should focus on the grammar part first, especially the very first sentence (i.e. changing "In generally" to "In general"). You need to be VERY aware of that. Keep up!
OP Paijin 3 / 11  
Jul 5, 2012   #4
You are so right, Peter Chu. I read some writing essay examples, and try to use some standard words in my essay. However, it is quite true that my grammar have a lot of errors. (So sad).

By the way, I will try again. :D Thank you guys so much. I am newbie here and This is my first essay here. All comments are so support. :)

(I still wait for more feedback, if you would like to add ;))
ltw 2 / 2  
Jul 5, 2012   #5
dont make any complexity in your script, make it simple and straightforward with less mistakes, that's more important I suppose
Slim shady 12 / 27  
Jul 7, 2012   #6
your ideas are not well-organized. you should pay attention to the topic question.

in the essay you wrote mixed opinions: firstly you wrote that it has positive sides and then at the end you wrote the converse view to your first concept.

in IELTS exam you should pay attention to the topic sentneces, or you will lose score...

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