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Writing task 2 (Fixing punishment and prison time)

Ekaputri17 6 / 12 7  
Mar 14, 2019   #1

factors for crime determination

Some people believe that there should be a fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both of views and give your own opinion.

Some would say that fixing penalty has to be implemented for each crime to deter crime rates and give fair justify for criminals. However, others argue that the motive and circumstances should be measured in terms of long period sentences given.

The fixed punishment established by the state is the most viable way against perpetrator committing a crime, and this will ensure people receiving the same judgment in the legal system. As prison sentences make people suffering to live in the poor facilities and condition, criminals would pay more attention about the rules and thinking more to commit any offense. When the type of crime is the only aspect to determine the penalty, people experience doubling threat and believing reduce the number of offenders. For example, In Indonesia, before a severe penalty gives for drug abuse, this leaded an uncontrolled offenders between teenagers and adults who got the same penalty without discrimination. However, after long sentence launching for such crime, the news of drug abuse decrease significantly. If this policy is implemented fairly by the stakeholder, it could create a communities without any crime disrupting their life.

On the other hand, there is a group of people that suggest to take consideration about the motivation and background problem before the criminals are punished. Economy crisis usually forces people to commit the crime as they need to fulfil their basic necessity to stay alive. Should this be given the same punishment with those who intentionally being criminals? To illustrate this, a grandmother who arrest for stealing food in the shop would be given at least 1 year and pay fine as much 5 million rupiah based on the agreed sentence, while she experience very poor condition and steal due to starvation in several days, and then Compared to them, doing such crime is for getting profit. If the two cases above get a similar prison sentences, this will not be called humanity. Therefore, I firmly believe that the offenders should be investigated properly before giving the penalty.

In conclusion, while fixing punishment succeed to reduce criminal cases, it should be important to measure motivation and circumstances as factors to determine prison time.

(361 words)

crystlho 5 / 12 2  
Mar 16, 2019   #2
Dear Ekaputri17,
I would like to have some comments on your writing as follows:
1) Strong points:
You presented two views and used a variety of phrases and sentence beginnings. You are also good at academic words and transitional words in this essay. However, there are alot of grammar and spelling mistakes in your writing.

2) Rooms for improvement.
a) Word count: you should cut the word count to under 300 words.
b) This is a discussion/opinion question, so, please clearly state your opinion in the introduction and also repeat it in the conclusion, otherwise it will hurt your task achievement.

c) Please correct some grammar mistakes such as misusing passive and active verb, prepositions, noun and verb, verb tense and subject-verb agreement. Most of these mistakes can be corrected by spelling check in Winword.

Some would say that fixing (fixed is different from fixing in meaning) penalty has to ... and give gives fair justify justification for criminals.

Pay attention about to the rules
For example, In (this should not be in captial letter) Indonesia, before a severe penalty gives (this should be in past tense) for drug abuse, this leaded (this should be in past perfect tense) an uncontrolled offenders ...

Economy Economic crisis
... a grandmother who arrest (this should be a passive verb here) for stealing ...
Please review the essay and find more similar mistakes as well as correct verb tenses.
Thank you very much again for your comments on my essay.
Happy writing!
OP Ekaputri17 6 / 12 7  
Mar 16, 2019   #3
@crystlho thank you very much for your valuable insights

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