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"About my flight and hijackers" - Improving on my narrative essay for O levels

Shane Valesquez 2 / 2  
Oct 24, 2010   #1
Some one please help me edit this essay!!! am taking my exams in less than 24 hours!! Change my words if inappropriate,tenses,grammer,and anything that is good. Tell me how to improve on my essay(the flashback part) and other parts. Help me to edit the sentences. Please give your comments and feedback!!!!! I really need it,thanks.

When the captain announced over the intercom that my flight was about to take off soon, I felt a surge of jitters going through my stomach. I had always hated taking flights and I knew that for the next few hours, I was in for a hard time. The cheerful faces of the air stewardess were a stark contrast to my pale and ashen face. I felt the plane gathering momentum as it lifted off from the runway.

I had hardly recovered from the trauma of taking off when the hijacking occurred. One of the passengers clad in a flowing trench coat suddenly stood up and shouted wildly in a foreign language, grabbing a pistol in his right hand. The passengers shrieked in fear and the composed faces of the air stewardess were transformed into fear. From an adjoining aisle, one of the hijacker's compatriots came into the cabin and muttered some instructions.

What followed was sheer hell as the hijackers stationed themselves at each end of the aisle to keep a watchful eye on the passengers. To my utter dismay, I realized that the plane was landing, I had to go through another terrible ordeal as the plane landed bumpily back on the runway.

Throughout this time, we had no knowledge whatsoever of what the hijackers wanted. There was only a tense silence that permeated the entire cabin as the passengers stared stonily at the vicious looking hijackers. From my window seat, I saw some army trucks surrounding the plane and loads of armed personnel scurrying about on the runway. For the umpteen times since I boarded the plane, I felt nauseous and panic overwhelming me.

Hours passed without any visible sign of progress in the situation. The situation came to a standstill as my nerves started to calm down. I saw the runway gathering darkness as nightfall descended. The hijackers remained like some demon sentinels without a trace of emotion. Suddenly, there was an angry shout from an adjacent cabin and the leaders of the hijackers stormed furiously into our cabin. One of them dragged me out with his powerful hands, gripping me by the hair. I screamed as he pulled me towards the entrance. I felt excruciating pain all over me and struggled to keep myself from losing consciousness. Some women screamed in horror and started hiding.

What followed was swift and sudden. As the hijackers opened the hatch of the cabin, suddenly a muffled explosion was heard and the lights in the plane went off. There were loud cries of terror and the crack of gunshots. Within seconds, the light came back on and we saw the police subduing the hijackers. The rescue operation had taken less than five minutes. The hijackers were caught.
simbamaxxed 5 / 59  
Oct 24, 2010   #2
Hie Derrick,
From what I remember from my 'O' Level/IGCSE experience,they are looking for a strong command of english and most importantly the good "use of language" as they say.There is little point in critiquing this particular essay because you will not get the same topic in the exam.A general comment would be you write well enough to get a pass grade at your level.I don't know which examining board you are using,but gennerally you will be given marks for content and quality of writing.Make sure you get all the "quality" marks by leaving time to thoroughly proofread your essay for spelling grammar and correct use of language.However to get an A/A* grade,you will need to write a compelling story and use sophisticated vocabulary APPROPRIATELY and answer all your questions in a relevant manner.Good luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 28, 2010   #3
The hijackers remained like some demon sentinels without a trace of emotion

Well you did indeed show good use of language... very impressive.

You write very well. I guess you already took your exams, because it took a long time for me to get to this, but I can't see how you could have reason for nervousness. This essay is impressive, a work of narrative art. If you want to make it even better add more "imagery words" and action verbs.

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