Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Folklore: Yukki Onna The Snow Woman

Panjul88 1 / 5  
Sep 22, 2016   #1
There are two hunters lived in a small village in Japan. Mosaku was an elderly man and Minokichi was his 16-years-old boy. They were hunting together in forest and seek some animals that they can take it home and cooked for dinner.

A cold night in winter, Mosaku and Minokichi were on their way home while they trapped in blizzard. Fortunately, they found a small cabin that already left by its owner for taking shelter from the night and the snowstorm. The father slept fast and his son could not sleep due to the fact that the weather too cold outside. However at the end Minokichi could sleep.

Suddenly he woke up after he felt the snow on his face. He saw a woman dressed in white and breath like white smoke above his father while sucked his soul. He was stunned and could not move anywhere until the daemon closer to him. She said do not tell no one regarding that moment or he would die. Not so long after that he realized that his father was dead.

Several years after that, he met a beautiful woman in the forest when he hunted game. He felt in love with the woman. Finally, they get married and have many children. Minokichi realized that his wife seems like the daemon who killed her father and he told that story to her. The wife was angry and turned in to the daemon. She wanted to kill him but they are have many children. Eventually his wife was disperse and disappeared without a trace.

cinta_dollar51 - / 4  
Sep 22, 2016   #2
could i give little bit suggestions for u
here we go

1. "Minokichi realized that his wife SEEMED like the daemon who ... --> you use past tense seem should be past tense.

2. "She wanted to kill him but they are have many children" --> erase aux ARE, have can be defined aux

thank you
rizaldohabibie 19 / 35  
Sep 22, 2016   #3
your essay is good.
I have some suggestions for you.

There are[were] two hunters
They were hunting together forest and seek[seeking] some
that they can[could] take it home and cooked[cook] for dinner.

I hope it helps.

Home / Writing Feedback / Folklore: Yukki Onna The Snow Woman