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IELTS Task 2, Some folks are too afraid to look at around due to a panicky criminal


wahyu 16 / 28 1  
Apr 4, 2016   #1
Many people are too scared to leave their home because of a fear of crime. Some people think that more should be done to prevent crime, whereas others feel that nothing can be done.

What are your views?


Some folks are too afraid to look at around due to a panicky criminal. Massive inhabitants believe that more should be attained to avoid terror of criminality, even though others feel that nothing can be undertaken. In my point of view, I believe that some mechanisms can be done to minimize the terror of crime by collaboration both of people and institutions.

Recently, some people believe that we could do to reduce the criminal rate since the major point which is metal of the humans. To illustrate, the criminal have a bad mentality and they think that the easy way to earn money by applying the criminality. As a result that although we have supported to reduce the terror by using many mechanisms, it could not be significantly result when we do not change the criminal mindset. In short, the way to think of criminal is going to be harmfully when we miss understanding to detect the main problem.

On the other hand, massive inhabitants can act some actions to solve the problem of the crime. Firstly, people have to pay more attention to another person who lives near them since it can make good relationships for keeping each other from doing daily positive activities. Society can also play important part in this case by making training to make hand-made products. It means that the criminal can make a new product after they have the new abilities. Finally the official have to give more attention by using their power to reduce it such us making a regulation or giving more sadistic punishment. All in all, those are some mechanism which can be done to reduce the crime.

To sum up, it is evident that there are two statements of terror of crime. Thus, I have tendency that same method can be acted for making a good situation in our society. Then, I hope that in the future the citizens, community and council can collaborated to solve the problem for creating the best circumstances to live.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 4, 2016   #2
Wahyu, I like the way you push your effort in making the essay as organized as possible by addressing every sentence carefully. However, while you were focusing on maintaining the order of each sentence, you accidentally forgot to pay more attention on your Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar. These three parts are essential in IELTS writing. Even though Task Response is crucial in writing, please be more aware of other assessment criteria of the essay. Now, for a breakdown of your grammatical, coherence and cohesion problems, with corrections applied.

too afraid to look at around due to a panicky criminal

too afraid to look around due to (a panicky criminal? the the crime offenders are panicked? or the people? I think this sentence is ambiguous)

How about this? Some folk are too afraid to look around, because the crime rate is increasing at the moment.

of criminality, even though

from criminals even though
(remember if 'even though' is in the middle of the sentence, no comma is needed)

by collaboration both of people and institutions.

by collaborating both people and institutions. (gerund)

some people believe that we could do to reduce the criminal rate since the major point which is metal of the humans.

it is true that you put a sentence with more than one clause, but pay attention more on the meaning, it should be whether it yields the meaning correctly as you expect or not?

For me, the sentence which still make sense is only up to this part:
Some people believe that we can do a preventive action to reduce the criminal levels towards certain significant point.

applying the criminality

apply is not the correct collocation for crime. 'committing the crime' is the correct one.

As a result that although

As a result, although (after 'as a result', you have to put comma)

although we have supported to reduce the terror by using many mechanisms, it could not be significantly result when we do not change the criminal mindset.

Why did you use present perfect here? and past form of modal auxiliaries? supported who?

consider this one:
although we support the act of preventing the crime by harnessing many mechanisms, the results are not significant if we do not alter the criminals mindset.

going to be harmfully when we miss understanding to detect

going to be harmful if we misunderstanding in figuring out the main problem.

As you can see, I left the last two paragraph to be corrected by others. I hope my feedback will be valuable in your writing development.

Keep struggling mate!
lily89 7 / 6  
Apr 5, 2016   #3
Let me give you some suggestions, I hope they are overly helpful for you:
1. Be careful with

On the other hand

since you have to put on the one hand previously.
2. Be careful with

Firstly

since you have to put secondly, thirdly, or lastly in the following sentence.
3. Be careful with

All in all

I suggest you to do not use all in all in your essay since it is considered for informal word, but you can practice it in speaking

4. Your essay has too many

can

you are able to change into be able to
5. Your essay has too many

make

you are able to change into another word or put verb directly
For example : Society can also play important part in [...] a regulation or giving more sadistic punishment.
I will make a paraphrase
Secondly, society are able to play a big role widely in hand-made training product. It leads to open possible job field opportunity. Finally, the government should pay more attention in order to minimize the number of criminals with a new regulation or deeply penalty.
dina79 20 / 26 3  
Apr 8, 2016   #4
You already use two nouns with similar meaning in one sentence "On the other hand, massive inhabitants can act some actions to solve the problem of the crime"

Your conclusion is need paraphrase from statement topic so you have the good quality in your conclusion and do not make short sentences. You can reduce your opinion, it is very long


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