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TOEFL: The food we eat today may put a damper on our health rather than making us live healthier


YUEyue 1 / 3  
Oct 12, 2014   #1
Thank you for helping me with this Toefl independence writing!

Nowadays, although people pay more attention on their eating habits and try to have some green food, considering the food we eat itself, I think it is fair to say that the food we eat may put a damper on our health rather than making us live healthier. Because everyone of us is suffering the food safety problems more serious than before, such as the modern technology of agriculture, the food style we eat and the environment where the food growing. These factors are all have significant influence on the safety of the food we eat.

First, the modern technology of producing food may damage our health. More specifically, the population of the world is growing rapidly, and scientists and farmers have to invent some technologies to help farming, but the technology, such as genetically modified technology and some chemicals and pesticide may damage persons' body, such as nervous system, brain developing. So these damages may contribute some weird illness. Recent years, my country's supermarket introduce a lot commodities which are claiming they are genetically modified food, because the price of this kind of food is much lower than the food which is non-genetically modified, so many people are pursuing this kind of bargain. But nowadays, more and more people in my country have some weird illness. And some scientists of my country have done a lot of research and they claimed that there is some relationship between the illness and the genetically modified food. So, considering the negative influence of the modern technology of producing food, I think the food today are not healthier than the past.

In addition, modern time, the food style we eat is not healthy, either. More specifically, nowadays, people have a lot of bad eating choices and in some situation, especially young people who is busy with his work also do not have time waiting or cooking for healthy food, they may eat something like fast food, simple bread slice. This kind of food are which we may call it "junk food", it is obviously that this kind of food is not nutrients balanced and these people who eat this kind of food may get illness easily, because they consume a lot of energy everyday but cannot have a sufficient nutrients supply.

Although people now are paying more attention on food health, but the facts we face may not allow people to have a healthy lifestyle. Because there are too many factors prevent human from eating healthy food.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 12, 2014   #2
Yue, where's the essay prompt? I'm not sure what your essay should be discussing and if you are discussing the right topic. Please provide that so that we can have a basis for your essay review. Thanks. I am going to give a generalized review of your essay for now.

These factors are all have significant influence on the safety of the food we eat.

- If you are talking about the effects of Genetically Modified Organisms on our food choice, then discuss that as a separate paragraph and use the actual term. Your introduction should only contain your restated prompt, facts for discussion, and your opinion on the matter. That is nowhere to be found in this version.

First, the modern technology of producing food may damage our health.

- When you say modern technology affects our health negatively, you must provide examples that support that claim. Without evidence to support the claims you are making, the essay does not have the academic integrity to be believed by the readers.

In addition, modern time, the food style we eat is not healthy, either.

- Again, you need examples here. Mention the effect of the emergence of the food truck as an unhealthy eating habit because it provides unhealthy quick meals.

Because there are too many factors prevent human from eating healthy food.

- You never really stated how people have started to eat healthier food. You need a paragraph dedicated to that discussion in order to create a balance of opinions and facts in your essay.

Overall, this is a very weak essay and I have not even seen the prompt for it yet. Once you present the prompt for this, we will be able to assist you in improving the essay to further adhere to the prompt.
OP YUEyue 1 / 3  
Oct 12, 2014   #3
It is means that you think my essay is digress from the topic?:(
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 12, 2014   #4
I cannot tell for sure if you digressed from the topic because you have not provided the essay prompt yet. the essay prompt is what tells us how to help you direct the essay and how to help you improve upon it. It will be the criteria that tells us where to cut things out or add things to the essay. Without it, we do not really know how to properly advice you on the way you wrote the draft. We need to know what the prompt or question being asked is so that we can tell you if you have digressed or not from the essay.

All I am saying right now is that the essay needs to be worked on. The content has room for improvement but that improvement can only come with an understanding of what is expected from your as the writer of the essay. The suggestions I made are supposed to help you with the revision of the essay. It does not mean that the essay is wrong or a failure, It is just supposed to offer you a guide or example of how you can further improve the paper :-)

Don't feel bad. You have not done anything wrong. Don't be sad. Any errors in the paper can still be corrected as soon as we get the prompt of question to answer from you :-)
OP YUEyue 1 / 3  
Oct 12, 2014   #5
Thanks a lot, vangiespen!
It means that you think my essay is digress from the topic?:(

Here are my thoughts about this topic:
I think I support the idea that the food we eat today is not healthy, because first, I think the technology we use to farm is bad for our health, because we use too many chemicals, pesticide, and some technology which has potential dangerous to people. And I also think some food choices also have negative influence on people's health, because many people choose to eat something like fast food. Then I think the environment where the grains grow can also make people unhealthy. These are my three points about the topic.

Maybe my example cannot support my points?
The second paragraph I use the example about people in my country who choose GM food get illness because of the GM food.
And yes, the third paragraph I didn't use some specific ideas to support my view, thank you for telling me!

if I revise my second paragraph like this:
First,food which is using the modern technology may damage our health. More specifically, the population of the world is growing rapidly, and scientists and farmers have to invent some technologies to help farming, but the technology, such as genetically modified technology and some chemicals and pesticide may damage persons' body, such as nervous system, brain developing. So these damages may contribute some weird illness. For example, Several years ago, my country's supermarket began to introduce a lot of commodities which are claiming they are genetically modified food, because the price of this kind of food is much lower than the food which is non-genetically modified, so many people are pursuing this kind of bargain. But these days, more and more people in my country have some weird illness. And some scientists of my country have done a lot of research and they claimed that there is some relationship between these illness and the genetically modified food. So, considering the research result about the patients who get this illness tell us that modern food has some negative influence on people's health.

you don't think this is still not a kind of example to support my view that the technology produced food is bad for people?

So many thanks!!!
OP YUEyue 1 / 3  
Oct 12, 2014   #6
Thank you! I just saw this rely. I think this question do not have extra requirement to follow... Oh, this essay want you to discuss your opinion about the the statement: The food we eat today are healthier than the food we ate in the past. Sorry, I write the wrong topic on the headline.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 12, 2014   #7
Yue, your essay actually answers the prompt or question being posed in the statement. It is actually a very good essay in the sense that you show a good understanding of the prompt and you know what the expectation are in your answer. The only problem I have with the examples you use is that the samples are too generalized. Do you see the statements in the first thread that I answered you in? The ones colored with green text are my suggestions about how you can improve the content of your essay. Again, you do not digress from the essay prompt. You just need to fix the answers that you are giving so that it will make more sense in the paragraph.

Pay attention to the comments I made and try to provide what I am asking you to in the essay. After you have done that, it is called a revision, post the revision in this same thread so that we can review it for content and tell you how improved the paper has become and what else we have to work on so that it can reach its final form. By doing that you will learn how to revise your paper the right way, learn some new English words along the way, and gain confidence when it comes to your writing style :-) I hope to see your revised paper here soon.


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