Can you give me all your suggestions about this essay and the average score, please.
I'm passing IELTS in a 2 days
Popular events like the football world cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
ESSAY:
Popular activities like the football World Cup and other international sporting events are essential in easing international problems and allow people to release their patriotic emotions in a safe way. As such, it is worth asking if the international sporting events should exist. Personally, I think they should.
On the one hand, the international sporting competitions create a particular atmosphere which is exemplified by the World Cup 2014. There were lots of decorations in malls, many families got together to watch football matches with participation of their national teams. It should not go unspoken that during international sporting events, for instance, football, top footballers take part like Messi, Neimar or Ronaldo.
On the other hand, accidents can occur like during Euro 2016, when fans in fan zones began to attack each other, because of their different points of view. It tensions the relations between countries and tensions relations towards the country which started this. In addition, the big international sporting events sometimes attract terrorists which happened previously last year in France, when a group of enemies carried out an act near the stadium while the President of France was there.
Hence, I agree that the international sporting events are the occasion to facilitate tensions, release patriotic emotions in a safe way and lift the spirit, but there are also some bad things which can occur during activities like terrorist acts, the growth of criminal activity around the event and clashes between fans of different countries. These facts can badly influence the relations between countries.
Once every four years, the whole world stops to watch international sporting events, for example Olympics and the Football World Cup in which athletes show their best performance to make their country proud . These sporting occasions have proved to be helpful in easing international tensions in difficult times and show patriotic emotions peacefully.
Comment
You should paraphrase the topic, not write down exactly what the topic is. Moreover, 2 last sentences of 1st paragraph made me confused.
2nd paragraph:
for instance, football , top footballers take parts like Messi, Neimar Neymar or Ronaldo.
3rd paragraph
fans in fan zones began to attack each other, because of due to their different points of view(...)
when a group of enemies terrorists carried out an act a threat
4th paragraph
HenceIn coclusion , I agree that the international sporting events are the occasionsto facilitate tensionsof increasing tensions between countries and people , release patriotic emotionsand lift the spirit in a safe way and lift the spiritis a solution to calm the atmosphere, but. However,thereare also these international occasions would lead to bad things incidents which can (...)
and clashes between fans of from different countries(..)
These facts/ factors can badly influence the relations between countries badly.
I hope i can help you with this.
Best wishes.
Hi Maxim, below are additional help that will hopefully enhance your essay. I will focus on the first 2 paragraphs of the essay.
- Popular activities like the football
- in easingcoping with ( I believe this is a more appropriate word ) international
- askingverifying if the international
- On the oneother hand,
- a particularunique atmosphere
- with participation ofcheering for their
- It should not gogoes unspoken
There you have it Maxim, I agree with you that international sporting events should actually be marketed properly to people all over the world, it's one of the safest way to shout out your support to your country, express patriotism and let people know that you are one with the many people who love your country.
Moreover, your essay is fairly written, I must say the choices of your words can still be polished and I hope I was able to help.
