Agree or Disagree task
WRITING TASK 2
People should follow the customs and traditions when people start to live in a new country.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Regarding to a common argument stating that foreigners should adapt the host country's customs and tradition when settling in, in my perspective, I completely agree with this view.
On the one hand, new immigrants will certainly face extreme difficulties while behaving irrespectively toward host cultural values. Cultural values refer to core principles and beliefs upon which the entire community exists. Particularly, culture values are surely shown up through social norms, those have been formed for such a long time in a certain society. Hence, regardless of newcomers, those not conforming these social norms are likely to face with hostile attitudes by local residents. For instance, South East Asia residents will surely consider newcomers spoiled if their appearance is cover by full of tattoos.
On the other hand, adapting social norms can be beneficial for newcomers in many perspectives. Firstly, regarding to those behave according to social norms, they are surely gain a richness of experiences from enjoying aspects of local customs and traditions. Culture conflicts generally results in social isolation, hence, establishing close relationships with the host community is considered as the top priority for majority of foreigners when living in a new society. Additionally, with the welcoming attitudes by local residents, in term of doing business, newcomers will definitely gain certain achievements. To illustrate, an entrepreneur will have a chance to maximize the profit if his products conform to the cultural values of local residents.
By way of conclusion, with the purpose of being part of community as well as avoiding social isolation, it is truly essential for foreigners to behave respectively to the social norms of where they are living.
Hello vietduccan :)
Here are my comments:
1. Maybe you should prolong your introduction. You got the point about answering the question, but you need to explain a little bit more about the condition.
2. Do not use the same phrase 'on the other hand'. You can use hence, additionally, besides, furthermore, etc.
3. Please check your essay grammatically, such as "Culture conflicts generally results ... "
Good luck on your IELTS test!
Can, the main problem with your essay is not that you did not accurately represent the opening statement (I will get to that later). The biggest problem of your essay is that it clearly shows a lack of English comprehension skills because you did not discuss the essay according to the prompt instructions even though you properly responded to it in the thesis statement of your first paragraph presentation.
This is an "emotional" essay that discusses the "extent", another term for it would be "degree", of your agreement or disagreement with a given topic. You used the word "strongly" to discuss your opinion on the topic provided. That is good. It is an appropriate response as it indicates a degree of support for one side of the discussion. One side of the discussion. That is where your essay fell apart.
In a proper discussion of this essay, you would have used the 3 body paragraphs to present, explain, and offer an acceptable example in support of your reason within the 3 paragraphs. You would have represented each topic in one paragraph each. You would not have discussed two sides within the body because the instruction given was not "Discuss both points of view". You were clearly asked to pick one point of view to present and discuss based on the word "OR". The word "or" means there is an alternative response to be chosen. Therefore, pick only one and strongly discuss the side that you support. Not both.
Going back to the problem of your opening statement. Each time that you opt to use a run-on sentence, as you did in this essay, to represent a discussion, you will lose points. Specifically, your GRA and C&C sections will suffer severely from this mistake. A proper paragraph is always at least 3 sentences short, 5 sentences long. It is not one long sentence like the one you wrote. So how should you have written that paragraph? Let me see...
Every country has its own set of customs and traditions. Therefore, people who move to a new country in order to reside there must assimilate the new social culture they are living in. I strongly agree with this statement for a number of reasons.
While you did appropriately respond and represent the original prompt. Doing so in only one sentence meant that you did not pursue the possibility of gaining a higher TA, C&C, GRA, and LR score. Look at the obvious differences between your presentation and mine. Whose version offers the examiner an opportunity to get to know my English understanding abilities? Which paragraph represents a stronger grasp of English vocabulary use? Whose explanation of the discussion topic is clearer and stronger in presentation? Exactly. Always aim for a presentation that will fully utilize the available scoring criteria rather than going for the quick fix. The quick fix means you get the job done, but you don't get the maximum possible score out of it.
You can a write a little more in the introduction explaining what the essay is about or what views do you support.
culture Cultural values ...
to those ... - remove the to
... priority for majority ... - the majority (Add an article)
by of local residents,