I try my draft in an arguementative style. I spend around one hour to finish the essay because it is very difficult.
Please revise my essay and give me feedback on how to improve a better arguementative essay. Thank youIf you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.
To my view, a formal education is a problem of my hometown. As it is located in a rural area, my hometown does not have enough professional personnel, appropriate places for studying and facilities to support learning. By improving these, people have a better opportunity to get educational rights equal to people who live in a city.
In the first place, there are no qualified and experienced teachers. Today monks have a main responsibility to educate and train people to serve a society. Although this is suitable, it is not enough for local people to learn as much as people in a city because they are taught by well-known instructors who graduate from famous universities. To solve this problem, the government has to find and send expert lecturers to my local hometown to help monks teach local people, which can provide the same educational standard as other people in a city.
In the second place, there are unsuitable places for people to study. As my hometown is located in a mountain area, it is difficult for people to have a comfortable school, compared to a city. To bring an end to this problem, the government has to develop necessary infrastructure to support building a lot more schools by creating road which takes a short time to walk to school and an electricity generator which help make an educational atmosphere comfortable. Moreover, the community center where people alway gather can be used as an school. By doing these, people have choices to choose their studying places as do other people in a city.
Finally there are not abundant tools to flavor the formal education. In my hometown, no ample educational equipment such as a computer system serves as a basis to give help to in-class studying such as a slide projector and a video player. There are no sources of online materials as an alternative for local people to choose as do others in a city. To tackle these, the government has to equally distribute these kinds of technology to my hometown in order that people have a good chance to learn as much as other people in a city.
In conclusion, problems with a educational standard between a city and a rural area will be eliminated if the government comes with a final decisions to produce qualifying graduates to give educational support to local people, develop basic things to make learning in a school comfortable and supply my hometown with technologies for the same educational standard as it does in a city.