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A formal education is the problem of my hometown - I would try to eliminate it


Keng 39 / 134  
Sep 17, 2009   #1
I try my draft in an arguementative style. I spend around one hour to finish the essay because it is very difficult.

Please revise my essay and give me feedback on how to improve a better arguementative essay. Thank you

If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

To my view, a formal education is a problem of my hometown. As it is located in a rural area, my hometown does not have enough professional personnel, appropriate places for studying and facilities to support learning. By improving these, people have a better opportunity to get educational rights equal to people who live in a city.

In the first place, there are no qualified and experienced teachers. Today monks have a main responsibility to educate and train people to serve a society. Although this is suitable, it is not enough for local people to learn as much as people in a city because they are taught by well-known instructors who graduate from famous universities. To solve this problem, the government has to find and send expert lecturers to my local hometown to help monks teach local people, which can provide the same educational standard as other people in a city.

In the second place, there are unsuitable places for people to study. As my hometown is located in a mountain area, it is difficult for people to have a comfortable school, compared to a city. To bring an end to this problem, the government has to develop necessary infrastructure to support building a lot more schools by creating road which takes a short time to walk to school and an electricity generator which help make an educational atmosphere comfortable. Moreover, the community center where people alway gather can be used as an school. By doing these, people have choices to choose their studying places as do other people in a city.

Finally there are not abundant tools to flavor the formal education. In my hometown, no ample educational equipment such as a computer system serves as a basis to give help to in-class studying such as a slide projector and a video player. There are no sources of online materials as an alternative for local people to choose as do others in a city. To tackle these, the government has to equally distribute these kinds of technology to my hometown in order that people have a good chance to learn as much as other people in a city.

In conclusion, problems with a educational standard between a city and a rural area will be eliminated if the government comes with a final decisions to produce qualifying graduates to give educational support to local people, develop basic things to make learning in a school comfortable and supply my hometown with technologies for the same educational standard as it does in a city.

EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 18, 2009   #2
In my view, lack of formal education is a problem of my hometown.

...does not have enough professional personnel, appropriate places for studying,or instructional facilities to support learning.

In the second place, there are few suitable places for people to study.

In my hometown, classrooms do not haveno ample educational equipment, such as a computer system, slide projector, or video playerserves as a basis to giveaidto in-class studying such as a slide projector and a video player .

As this last edit demonstrates, you have a tendency to make your sentences unnecessarily wordy. Always say what you mean as directly as possible. Say "to" rather than "in order to," "helps" rather than "gives help to," etc., etc.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Sep 18, 2009   #3
Thank you for your feedback.

I think my problem is about how to use proper English sentences, and perhaps write English on my own language. Therefore, i will try to write better.

If i read English texts everyday, i can solve this problem.
Jin 11 / 37  
Sep 23, 2009   #4
In conclusion, problems with educational standard between cities and rural areas (it is the general situation, don't use a ) will be eliminated if government comes (up) with a final decisions (decision) to produce qualifying graduates ( produce???) to give educational support to local people, develop basic things(equipment) to make learning in a(no a ) school comfortable (and enjoyable, as well as developing the technology of my hometown )

it seems you have problem with article (a, an ,the).
And the last sentence is too long that it feels awkward.
pacha 1 / 4  
Sep 23, 2009   #5
what are the quality of good son or daughter.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Sep 24, 2009   #6
Thank you for your feedback.


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