Hi Daya.
I am delighted to read your writing because you have shown better progress than previous terms. I have taken the basic structure in this essay of IELTS. In your introduction, you can paraphrase the statement well although you harness the simple words. I really appreciate that. However, to make your essay more meaningful, you are supposed to mention underline of your opinions about the prompt in the thesis statement. As we can see this---This essay will cover those both point of views and decided what system should be a better alternative for children.
you only describe the general statement where you stand out.SUBSEQUENTLY, Earlier formal education such as ...
On the contrary IN THE CONTRAST, there are people who believe
... the crucial time for children to grow up and parents should take full of control
You should find the stronger example to support your idea. A scientific fact can be taken as the sentence to call attention of the readers.In the conclusion, you place recommendation to be the middle way of the matters. Besides that, keep in your mind that you each good paragraph has at least 3 sentences.
I strongly believe you will master this section on condition that you wanna practice more.
Keep spirit Miss.
GOOD LUCK
:D