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Four countries: US, Japan, Mexico and Germany scored big in the Hot Dog Eating Contest

Fadli_14 1 / 1  
May 31, 2016   #1
The bar graph shows Nathan's hot dog eating contest which is held in Brooklyn's Coney Island, USA during 30 years between 1980 and 2010.

Overall, there are four countries: US, Japan, Mexico and Germany scoring for winners. In this case, American males have won 20 times for this eating contest, while Japanese males only record nine-time win.

it is noticeable that from 1980 until 1995, US was unbeatable. Mexico and Germany had only one time opportunity to win. While from 1995 until 2010, Japan came and beat US for nine times. The Japan winner was able to eat 22.25 hot dogs and buns which was the highest score along that period.

From 1980 until 1998, the winners of Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest were only able to eat not more than 30 hot dogs and buns. By the contrast, since 2001 to 2010, they could eat more than 40 hot dogs and buns. The highest record for Japanese winner was 53.75 and 68 for US winner. That is the current record for the contest.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 31, 2016   #2
Fadli, welcome to EssayForum family :) I hope you find this website useful towards your writing development, especially in IELTS writing. You are suggested to do 'peer-reviews' to other members' essays in this forum. This is definitely beneficial in enhancing your writing skill. However, I would like to remind you that feedback that you are going to give to other members should be more than one or two sentences. It can be also a paragraph or two. Some members who failed to do this have already suspended from this forum, and therefore I suggest you to be careful in conveying your thought to someone's essay in this website.

With regards to your essay, instead separating those first two paragraphs into two parts. I think it is better to combine them. As we all know that a paragraph is rarely consisted of one or two sentences only. It commonly has at least three sentences for each. Moreover, some noticeable repetitions in your essay were also problematical. In the third paragraph, you accidentally mentioned from ..... untilto .... "twice", which also repeated in the last paragraph in your opening sentence. There are other variations for that, for instance, 'between ..... and ....', 'in the following 15 years', or 'in 15 years period'.

What I like from your essay is your tenses consistency. This is your plus point. You need to maintain or develop this part, since grammatical range and accuracy also play an essential role in scoring criteria. Just make sure that your sentence structure is 100% correct before writing it. Having minor errors will be helpful in boosting your score in this part. So, good luck for the next practice! :)
Nahid87 12 / 17 7  
May 31, 2016   #3
welcome Fedli ;)

The bar graph shows Nathan's hot dog eating contest which is(was) held in Brooklyn's ...

... US, Japan, Mexico and Germany scoring for winners(it is not clear) .
... while Japanese males only have recorded nine-time.

itIt is noticeable that from 1980 ...
Mexico and Germany had only one timeonly one opportunity to win.

These are some suggestions
Beauty17 56 / 88 5  
Jun 1, 2016   #4
Hallo fadli, welcome to essay forum!

It is nice to read your writing task 1. Especially your grammatical was good. I just want give a comment from the content, and the point of view of that. It could be fine if you look at the graph only from the winners side or maybe only look at the number of the hot dogs and buns. And i want to remind you because you not provide information of the winner in 2007 until 2010. Because in that time japan was defeated by US. US becomes the winner in that times. For the country who only female winner you also not mention it. But no problems it your first time here, as same as me. Just keep trying ! Good luck for us ...

Regard - @Beauty17

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