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Four different subjects which are attended by secondary school students from 2000 to 2009

aseprudi 20 / 29 16  
May 27, 2015   #1
The table reveals four different subjects which are attended by secondary school students from 2000 to 2009 and is measured in percentage. What stands out from the chart shows that while the community schools experienced as the lowest, this trend increased over the year.

In 2000, the secondary school student who attended Voluntary-controlled schools was considerable higher than the other subjects. The percentage witnessed by 52 per cent. Compared to this subject, community schools and specialist schools were lower, stood at solely 12 per cent. Over the following nine years, this attendant decreased dramatically to 20 per cent in 2009. Following this, there was a slight fall in the percentage of specialist school by two per cent.

Interestingly, while the student entering the class in community school was not as much as the others, this trend rose over the year. In 2009, the figure peaked at 58 per cent. This witnessed the highest than the other attendances. On the other hand, student fascinated in grammar schools had dropped to twelve per cent in the same period.

lcturn87 - / 435 236  
May 27, 2015   #2
I hope you can make these changes. They will help your analysis and improve your writing.

1st paragraph: These are different "types of schools". It is better to explain it in these terms rather than subjects because these schools may have different teaching methods or environments that make them different than other schools. I would also state the years 2000, 2005, and 2009. The chart only mentions these three years. You could begin the next sentence stating, "Also, the table shows that the community schools experienced the lowest overall percentage during those years."

2nd paragraph: Make the word student plural by adding -s to the end. Voluntary should be all lowercase letters. Change to: "were considerably higher". Replaced witnessed with was to explain the percent. Also, percent is only one word. Please don't forget to make this change throughout this paper. When you compare community and specialist schools you should begin by stating, "In this same year". If you don't identify the year, then it becomes harder to look at the table and see if you correctly explained it. These last two sentences need to be revised. You should group similar ideas together. For example:The 20% percent in 2009 is data that refers to the voluntary- controlled schools. You also explain this in the first sentence.

3rd paragraph: A date is not stated in the first paragraph, so it is difficult to understand. If you include a date, it will be easier to read. I think you are trying to compare the data for community schools in 2000 and 2005. Is that correct? You could revise the next sentence to read: "This school had the highest attendance than the other schools." I would discuss how the attendance rate for grammar schools dropped in the same year.
OP aseprudi 20 / 29 16  
Jun 7, 2015   #3
Thank you for your suggestion,
It really help me for improving my writing skills.
i will change and follow your suggestion in the next writing, and hope you can give me some advice ahead.

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