Hope that I can help.
Some people suggest to put your answer (agree or disagree) to the introduction paragraph, of course it is not the rule but I just do it as is...
Also please try to avoid putting things that not ask in the question, e.g. air pollution. Several of the website teaching IELTS writing suggested that in the introduction paragraph, a background statement (i.e. paraphrase of the question) and thesis (your answer) would be sufficient. I saw some indian websites suggested putting the hook (the beginning statement that aim to attract reader), I'm not sure if this will lead higher score but I would rather not doing that way, I know I am not good enough to write something catch people's eye...
I guess the 2nd paragraph aim to tell readers the cost of free public transport gives burden of finance to the government. However, the first 3 sentences sounds trying to tell us about the procedures of allocating fund/money, which seems not relevant to the topic sentence.
To be frank I'm just the beginner so I don't think I have the ability to give advise on grammar etc. I just try to tell as a reader and I believe you will spot that too if you read through the essay.
Please try read other works on this website especially the comments of it and I believe it will help a lot on IELTS writing.
In my previous attempts I was so lucky to have Mary Rose (HOLT her username) to check and comment. She always reminding us to form the essay in 4 to 5 paragraphs and limit 3 to 5 sentences per paragraph. And the body paragraph should always contain the topic sentence (your point, your answer to the question), and then explain the topic sentence you just wrote. And then follow with 1 or 2 statements as the support information, and if possible give further explanation with an example. Please follow this link to one of her feedback for an essay
https://essayforum.com/writing/countries-number-young-adults-larger-elderly-80254/https://essayforum.com/writing/students-eager-traveling-earning-money-instead-80294/