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Essay about freedom - Can anyone look over my paragraph?

eldlflfk 1 / 1  
May 13, 2014   #1
I have been writing an essay about freedom (it was due like last week but I couldn't do it. and over this weekend i had to fly to korea to attend my grandmother's funeral) and i feel like im stuck and can't write anything that sounds decent.

i wrote my first paragraph. and was wondering if anyone could give me some advices?

Life favours those who have already obtained freedom, as they are the ones that control the world.(I feel like this intro sentence has the right idea but sounds awkward) Freedom is a privilege available only to the selective amount of people. Due to the competitive human nature, their wish is to continue to keep it as a privilege only they can enjoy. Therefore, freedom can only be achieved if you manage to break free of the control, which is almost near impossible for the majority of people. For example, Curley is one of the few farmers with a privilege of having his own farm, which represents freedom in of Mice and Men. According to Candy, every workers, including George and Lennie, dreams about being in Curley's position. However, Crooks knows the harsh truth as he says, "I seen too many guys with land in their head. They never get none under their hand." This is because people such as Curely directly benefit from the workers' lack of freedom as they continue to make his farm prosper. He has no reason to provide them with enough pay for them to be able to leave him. It is the same case in Anthem. The scholars have managed to label any act of disproving their wisdom as a a "sin" and the population's belief in unity acts as a cage of their freedom. Their power and control can only be maintained if their workers' freedom continue to be restricted. In the end, a king's greatest interest is about how he can continue to be the king. Just like how the people prioritizes the need for maintaining their own freedom over anything else.

KMeghji 8 / 20 7  
May 13, 2014   #2


I would rephrase the first sentence as : Life favors those who favor freedom as they can avail the adventures that life may bring up.

I can;t help but think that the landowner may not be as free as we think he is. Similarly, every individual have things that hold them down, in this case it will be the farm. I would advice that you also explore this aspect of human psychology as it will give you more to write on.
OP eldlflfk 1 / 1  
May 13, 2014   #3
i also thought about doing this but it kind of contradicts my statement in the paragraph so i couldn't find any good ways to do it.

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