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Freedom from stress and hunger.

isabellaclaudia 14 / 31  
Oct 24, 2011   #1
Hey everyone. This is an essay that i made for my O levels. I hope you can grade or at least tell me your views,this is really important for me, thanks..

The advancement of science and technology which has ushered in an era of globalization undoubtedly has metamorphosed the entire society. Looking back 50 years ago, teenagers my age had to plough the land to put bread on their table. Fastforward to today, teenagers are no longer burdened by such laborious work but instead are enjoying the comfort of a nice house and sumptious meal. Thus it is safe to say that teenagers today enjoy much freedom which their earlier counterparts are deprived of. However, this claim does not hold water when we scrutinize the condition of youths across the globe. In fact, this contemporary life has taken away the freedom of pursuing what they aspire to be.

The society today, more than ever, are well aware of the pivotal roles youth play in bringing about further advancement. We are constantly moving forward, exploring new possibilities, and redefining human civilization. As such, the society realize the necessity for it to prepare itself well and ultimately the youths become the fulcrum of advancement. Due to all the reasons mentioned above, teenagers are constantly pressured to equip themselves with the necessary skills and knowledge. Shockingly, this trend has spread across Asia. Asian parents are perpetually racing to enroll their children to the most prestigious schools in the hope of giving their children a competitive edge in this globalizing world. Little do they know that being trapped in the atmosphere of competitiveness has taken an emotional toll on the students. This is best exemplified by our counterparts in South Korea. Research has shown that students spend more than 10 hours studying in school, coupled with tuition lessons -named hagwon- causing them to finish school over midnight. As a result, 100,000 students killed themselves every year unable to cope with the stress. One can only feel appalled upon knowing this. In light of this, it is palpably clear that restricting students to only studies has caused depression to reared its ugly head among students. This has shown all too well that depriving freedom from youths can result in detrimental effects.

Sadly, the issue does not end there. Our counterparts in Africa and Ethiopia are deprived from even the most basic freedom, freedom to eat when they are hungry, freedom to drink when they are thirsty, and freedom to live the way they want to live. At this very moment, many of them are rummaging through rancid pile of trash looking for meager food to ease their hunger pangs. Worse still, 16000 children died everyday in the battle with hunger. Despite the effort put forward by local government to address this issue, it is to no avail. Observing this situation, an important question that should be asked is : Why they had to go through such terror everyday? what happen to the freedom we so boastfully proud of.

I am really saddened upon seeing the condition of my friends. Although this is an age where we have the freedom to explore the wide expanse of humanity, there are still those held by the shackles of burden and hunger. No matter how much we have progressed into a developed society, we have forgotten to address the plight of our friends in Korea and Africa continent.

As youths, the leaders of the future, who are fortunate to enjoy the luxury of being what we want to be, i hope that we can extend our helping hands to those who are not as fortunate as us. as Philosopher Henry Ford once said,''We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once". Although it is impossible to completely eradicate hunger, poverty, and rigid educational system now, we can begin by shedding our apathy and raising our awareness so that our counterparts may harness the courage to step out of the gloomy shadows of opression and embrace the hope of freedom.
daniel44992 13 / 29  
Oct 24, 2011   #2
I'm sorry but I couldn't even get through your first paragraph! Sorry to be so brutal but it obvious you are trying to make it sound smart and it is really easy to see through that. It doesn't matter if you really are smart or not, this instantly makes it seems like you are trying to cover up something. If you are smart, let the numbers do the talking for you, not the thesaurus. I mean come on, you used thus and sumptious in the first paragraph! My advice would be, if you are going to keep the same topic, rewrite your essay without the thesaurus. Admissions officers are looking for a great treatise, they are looking for a 17 years old writing. There is no way an admissions officer can find "you" inside this essay.

Sorry to be brutal but good luck!

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