Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7


"a freshly mowed lawn in summer" - Descriptive Senses Composition


librarylover 2 / 9  
Apr 9, 2010   #1
My assignment: Write a five paragraph descriptive composition on what I see, hear, smell, and touch on a freshly mowed lawn in summer. It's really hard not writing my thoughts and feelings! I'm afraid this might be more like a narrative...I'd appreciate some comments and suggestions. Thanks for reading!

A sudden realization dawns on me as I look outside the window. I feel as if I am awakening from a deep, cold sleep. I decide that I must step outside for a closer look. The French doors leading into my backyard open with a loud creak, and a wave of heat like that of an open oven hits me in the face. I step out onto the rough concrete patio, balancing a cold metal tray of lemonade in my hands. So as not to upset the glasses, I carefully maneuver my elbow on the door handle to stop the escape of the cool indoor air. Then I walk out onto the edge of the grass to observe the unfolding scene.

It is truly a mesmerizing sight to behold. Everything is bathed in golden sunlight, except for the long, still shadows cast on the ground. My own black-blue shadow stretches out beside me like a taller twin. A short, emerald carpet rolls out before me, the freshly cut blades scattered in every which way. Dozens of dragonflies dart around, so undecided about where to land. A blur of blonde fur with a wagging tail runs off in pursuit of them. My dad is straining behind a huge lawnmower that is eating up the yard and spitting out a trail of fresh green cuttings. His red face lights up when he sees the sparkling glasses in my hands. The sun above is an unbearably bright, white orb, the sky an endless azure ocean. Sunflower faces the size of dinner plates are turned upward to absorb the rays. Some of the smaller flowers have limp petals and wrinkled stems. My mom has picked up the long green hose that snakes through the garden in an attempt to revive the withering plants. Water cascades out of its mouth and falls like diamonds on the parched earth. A few brown earthworms are wiggling in the mud, while the neighboring army of ants panics over its disturbed home. Through the slats in the fence I can see the gopher tortoises emerge from their sandy den to rummage through the wild scrub forest for food. My backyard has become Mother Nature's showcase.

Then there are the sounds of the season that reach my ears like music. The snap of terrier jaws comes from somewhere in the bushes, and then the sound of little paws still chasing dragonflies. The persistent puppy is panting, and every now and then there is the sound of his tongue lapping up water from the bowl on the patio. The swaying tag on his collar sounds like a bell as it beats against the rim of the metal dish. Then I hear the dying roar of the lawnmower and the scrape of the shed door being opened. From the direction of the garden comes the squeaky turn of the hose faucet and then the last few drops of water pattering onto the dirt. I can hear the slithering of the hose being wound up. Then a hum starts beneath my feet and the sprinklers begin to hiss, the spray of water pounds against the house windows. There is also the sound of ice cubes clinking inside the glasses of lemonade on my tray. However, all of these sounds are almost drowned out by the vibrating of countless hidden cicadas. All of these sounds are telling me that what I suspected is true.

What I feel and smell in my backyard gives me further confidence. The heavy metal tray grows slippery in my sweating hands, and the frost on the glasses melts and causes water droplets to race down my fingers. My face is growing very hot, as if all of the sun's rays are focused upon it. I can feel sweat trickling down my face and burning my eyes, and my shoulders are beginning to feel the sting of severe sunburn. The grass blades tickle my bare feet, but the cool mud brings my toes relief. The only breeze I feel is that caused by my dog racing by my legs, but some of the sprinklers' mist fortunately reaches me. There is, of course, that infamous itchy feeling caused by grass blades sticking to wet skin. The nauseatingly sweet smell of lemonade reaches my nose. There is also a hint of perspiration and suntan lotion in the air. The most obvious scents are those of fresh cut grass and churned earth. These are all telltale signs of a beginning season.

All of my senses are picking up one beautiful message: summer is here. All of the beautiful summer colors are visible, and all of nature is singing. I recognize the touch of summer's hand, and the smells of my baking backyard. Memories of summers past sweep into my mind. All of these familiar details bring with them the excitement of a new summer unfolding before me and the chance to make more memories.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 11, 2010   #2
opens with a loud...

...like a taller twin.---- nice!!!

I am pretty impressed!! I am going to put this in my collection of example essays.

Then a hum starts beneath my feet, and the sprinklers begin to hiss. The spray of water pounds against the house windows.

You did a great job of leading the reader's attention along. Thanks for the experience!
OP librarylover 2 / 9  
Apr 12, 2010   #3
Thanks so much! I really appreciate the praise and corrections.

Does anyone else have a comment?
OP librarylover 2 / 9  
Apr 12, 2010   #4
Someone pointed out to me that my first paragraph reveals too many thoughts and emotional feelings. I was kinda worried that it was too much like a narrative.

So I have to do some editing before I turn it in for grading. This is going to be hard...

I started a new introductory paragraph, but it is definitely lacking. Anyone have any suggestions for me?

There is a lively scene unfolding outside, one that definitely deserves a closer look. My whole backyard has sprung to life. All of the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings reveal that it is that time of year again. The earth is waking up from its deep, cold slumber.
vivien_wang 9 / 31  
Apr 13, 2010   #5
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful writing! I am so attracted to this loveliest lawn!

A sudden realization dawns on me as I look outside the window. I feel as if I am awakening from a deep, cold sleep. I decide that I must step outside for a closer look...

I think your original beginning is much better than "There is a lively scene unfolding outside, one that definitely deserves a closer look." You may split your first paragraph into an introductory paragraph and a description of the lawn's visual beauty.

I am sure you could do much better by replacing some with such words like chime, chink, jingle, tinkle, giggle...

As for the third paragraph, the starter of "What I feel and smell in my backyard gives me further confidence" seems not quite natural. I suggest not mentioning the exact word of "feel and smell".

Anyway, your writing is terrific! Once again, the first part is awesome!

Thank you very much, and many thanks to Kevin for hitting on this beautiful descriptive essay.
OP librarylover 2 / 9  
Apr 13, 2010   #6
Thanks so much for the feedback.

Now I hate to ruin a good essay, but I must makes some drastic changes for the final draft. My school said to avoid expressing personal thoughts and emotional feelings, and it is not to be a narrative. I would appreciate it if anyone would take the time to read the new essay and comment on it. Thanx

PS The major changes are in the first paragraph, and I also took vivien_wang's advice and eliminated some of the "sounds" in the second middle paragraph. Please let me know if you find any inconsistency in the tense, or if you have any other suggestions. Thanx again!

There is a lively scene unfolding outside, one that definitely deserves a closer look. Once in the open air, it is obvious that it is that time of year again. My backyard has fully awoken from its long, cold slumber and sprung to life. Gone is the dead of winter and half-consciousness of spring; here is the bright and busy season so long-awaited. I take a moment to allow my eyes, ears, nose, and skin to take in all that signals the arrival of another summer.

It is truly a mesmerizing sight to behold. Everything is bathed in golden sunlight, except for the long, still shadows cast on the ground. My own black-blue shadow stretches out beside me like a taller twin. A short, emerald carpet rolls out before me, the freshly cut blades scattered in every which way.

Dozens of dragonflies dart around, so undecided about where to land. A blur of blonde fur with a wagging tail is running off in pursuit of them. My dad is straining behind a huge lawnmower that is eating up the yard and spitting out a trail of fresh green cuttings. His red face lights up when he sees the sparkling glasses of lemonade in my hands. The sun above is an unbearably bright, white orb, the sky an endless azure ocean. Sunflower faces the size of dinner plates are turned upward to absorb the rays. Some of the smaller flowers have limp petals and wrinkled stems. My mom has picked up the long green hose that snakes through the garden in an attempt to revive the withering plants. Water cascades out of its mouth and falls like diamonds on the parched earth. A few brown earthworms are wiggling in the mud, while the neighboring army of ants panics over its disturbed home. Through the slats in the fence I can see the gopher tortoises have emerged from their sandy den to rummage through the wild scrub forest for food. My backyard has suddenly become Mother Nature's showcase.

Then there are the sounds of the season that reach my ears like music. The snap of terrier jaws comes from across the lawn, and then the pitter-patter of little paws still chasing dragonflies. The persistent puppy is panting, and every now and then there is the sound of his tongue lapping up water from the bowl on the patio. The swaying tag on his collar clangs like a bell as it beats against the rim of the metal dish. I can hear the dying roar of the lawnmower and the scrape of the shed door being opened. From the direction of the garden comes the squeaky turn of the hose faucet and then the last few drops of water pattering onto the dirt. Moments later there is the slithering of the hose being wound up. Then a hum starts beneath my feet and the sprinklers begin to hiss. The spray of water pounds against the house windows. There is also the sound of ice cubes clinking inside the glasses of lemonade on my tray. However, all of these noises are almost drowned out by the vibrating of countless hidden cicadas. Nature's song is telling me that what I suspected is true.

There are other signs in my backyard that give me further confidence. The heavy metal tray grows slippery in my sweating hands, and the frost on the glasses melts and causes water droplets to race down my fingers. My face is very hot, as if all of the sun's rays are focused upon it. I can feel sweat trickling down my face and burning my eyes, and my shoulders are beginning to feel the sting of severe sunburn. The grass blades tickle my bare feet, but the cool mud brings my toes relief. The only breeze I feel is that caused by my dog racing by my legs, but some of the sprinklers' mist fortunately reaches me. There is, of course, that infamous itchy feeling caused by grass blades sticking to wet skin. The nauseatingly sweet smell of lemonade reaches my nose. There is also a hint of perspiration and suntan lotion in the air. The most obvious scents are those of fresh cut grass and churned earth. These are all telltale signs of a beginning season.

All of my senses are picking up one beautiful message: summer is here. All of the beautiful summer colors are visible, and all of nature is singing. I recognize the touch of summer's hand, and the smells of my baking backyard. Memories of summers past sweep into my mind. All of these familiar details bring with them the excitement of a new summer unfolding before me and the chance to make more memories.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 13, 2010   #7
Someone pointed out to me that my first paragraph reveals too many thoughts and emotional feelings. I was kinda worried that it was too much like a narrative.

It depends on the teacher's expectations. If the teacher is trying to teach a particular method, follow it. Otherwise, I like your original intro. It is okay for a descriptive essay to have some movement through the scene -- a narrative element.

I like the original intro more.

The persistent puppy is panting, and every now and then--- this alliteration is too obvious. I don't know how to explain what I mean... alliterations should seem coincidental, not forced. :-)

If you still want to improve it, add 2 sentences to the conclusion paragraph to talk about what the arrival of summer "represents." Go beyond description and allow it to spill into a bit of speculation about what all of this means, what the season symbolizes for someone in the human condition.


Home / Writing Feedback / "a freshly mowed lawn in summer" - Descriptive Senses Composition
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳