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Friend with a characteristic trait - CBEST


flavia03 7 / 9  
Jul 30, 2010   #1
Hello everyone, I just want to know if the essay is well developed. I wrote it in 40 minutes.

I appreciate your effort.
Flavia

During my freshman year of college, as scared as I was, I had the grand opportunity to make a friend for life. Weeks passed and she became my best friend, named Sam. She was not like everyone else who lived on our floor, but instead there was something different that I could not notify and explain. However, during the four years of college, I have learned that her characteristic trait was perseverance, since she had an internship during her first year, had good grades, and got accepted to one of the best grad schools in the country.

Once the first quarter grades were available, Sam applied for internships around the departments that interested her. When she did not receive any reply, she went and talked to the professor she just had for general chemistry, if he does not have a position for her in his laboratory. Although a young candidate, the professor taught her some of the basic procedures in his laboratory. Soon after Sam learned the protocols, she began working on projects, side by side with some graduate students. Sam did spend her first summer in this laboratory, but then she went to another one, where she found her passion of learning how to make drugs, that could in the end cure type two diabetes.

Even though she became the president of her own club, she did not neglect to do well in her studies. I remember Sam being in the library and in office hours more than any person in our apartment. When she did not understand a concept, or she thought she might have misinterpreted a phrase, she would make appointments with her TAs and professors in order to perfectly understand the material. All her school work was done with a couple of days before the due date; just because she could not do things the last minute and waste sleep hours on negligence. Her continuous strive to never fall behind and to always be ahead of the game always shocked me.

When the fourth year of undergraduate studies came around, Sam already took the GRE, and other additional tests to apply to graduate schools. Although her grades were well above standards, her internship experience exceeding expectations, she applied to a variety of schools in order secure a spot anywhere. With her vast number of applications, and plethora of essays, Sam got accepted to one of the best schools in the country. She did not need to be stress, although her perseverance prevailed.

Over the past four years of undergraduate studies, Sam out achieved all of us, not only because she was studious, fast learner, and knew how to balance her activities, but because she persevered through difficult courses, challenging graduate programs, and numerous internships. Sam's characteristic trait is perseverance and it is most important to have since it drives the person forward through challenges and difficulties life has to offer.

Yayz 10 / 121  
Jul 30, 2010   #2
Hello, Flavia

Since you used the word "perseverance" specifically, I think it would help your essay if you mentioned an event that set Sam back, but that she recuperated from due to her perseverance. You can say that she did well in class and made appointments with her profs because she likes to learn and believes getting to know her instructors is important...but if you mention something a bit more specific than "she talked to the prof to clarify something," like "Sam's weak spot was always math. When she had trouble grasping the concept of derivatives, Sam did not hesitate to make an appointment with her Calculus professor. Sam never let anything like a complicated slope field obstruct her path to her goals," well then you really let the reader see what you mean. For the development of your essay, specifically, it goes in chronological order and seems to be laid out nicely. Good job :-)


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