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[TOEFL] 'friends talk' - telephone is more influential than the television

Cute Scott 3 / 3  
Jun 17, 2014   #1
Please help me correct and rate my essay, thanks.
Topic: the telephone has greater influence on people's life than television has
In the modern society, the telephone has revolutionize the way of communication; in other words, the telephone is the milestone of the telecommunication. But there are those who argue that the telecommunication includes the television; the television also entirely changes our life. However, in my personal views, I strongly believe that the telephone is more influential for several reasons.

Firstly, the telephone entirely impacts the place and way to work. In other words, people are able to work out of the place of work. For instance, a farmer can fertilize his or her own lands by just making some phone call to a fertilizing company, while he or she used to purchase the fertilizer and fertilize the land for many days; the telephone save the time of purchasing fertilizer and free one's hand from working for a long time. Or a businessman can easily manipulate a company at home by making some phone call, while he or she has to stay in the office every day; it allow one to have more pleasant time with his or her families. A teacher can tell the academic achievement of one student by calling his or her parents. The telephone has bring us convenience and high efficiency, which elevate our living standard.

Secondly, the telephone help us to reinforce the friendship. In other words, you can talk to your friends more frequently though the telephone. Unlike the past, you can know the condition of your friends by calling them. And you can build your social network though the phone. Wherever you friends is, whenever it is the midnight or the day, even your friends are thousands of mile from you, the telephone can allow you to keep in touch. You don't have to send mails by which you have to wait for a long time. The telephone enables you to talk to your friends like face to face.

Admittedly, the television alter the way of entertainment. However, the television will bring negative effects on your eyes. So the television is not good for you to keep healthy.

All in all, the telephone is more influential than the telephone. Not only the telephone bring us convenience and high efficiency but also it enables you to talk to your friends without limitation.

peyman_np 6 / 15 1  
Jun 18, 2014   #2
I have a question about TOEFL preparing process. How should I reinforce my grammar?
Is there any good way to strengthen it as soon as possible?

I know I should not post something in another one's post. But, I really need help :)

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