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TOEFL essay "Our need for friendship may be greater than ever"


U_Are_Awesome 1 / 2  
Jul 19, 2011   #1
Hi everyone, I'm a bit nervous because it's my first post.
I am preparing for the Toefl Ibt. Please tell me how I can improve my writing. Thanks!

Our need for friendship may be greater than ever, simply because our lives are so challenging and full.

Nothing can make us feel worse about ourselves that the conviction that we do not deserved to be loved, and one of the strongest factors, could generate this conviction is the feeling that we miss friends. In our jampacked lives it is really difficult to find time to sustain friendship, thereafter our need for friends may be greater than ever.

Isn't it really wonderful to be blessed with people who accept you as you are? But today, when life has become faster, it is not easy to juggle friendship with a job, a busy family life, and commitments to church, studying, and community. My uncle is a director of one of engineering companies. Once he shared with me his experience about friendship in our busy time:"It is difficult to combine friendship and business relationships. In this case whether friendship damages job or relationships boss-employee damages friendship. And I just haven't enough time to sustain friendship out of job." Maybe portion of hypocrisy in our society has raised and often positions may simply not allow people to behave as they are all the time. Perhaps these circumstances may raise a value of friendship as a rare resource in modern world.

In other respects true friends are precious medium for thoughts, emotions and wise pieces of advice. Good friends may be not only people, who comfortable to be with, but those who could motivate person, could force her to level herself up. Friends may be a strong power, lead us to success. So if there is the subject of really universal interest today it is the art of making and sustaining good friends. I've always considered myself as a lucky man, blessed with people, able to give me a new aims, encourage me to new accomplishments. Thus there is a part of my friends in all of my successes.

Finally human historically is a social creature. Friends save us in our dangers. Friends guide when we are perplexed. We may feel relieved when we tell our sorrow to a friend. A true friend is our asset. Friends share our sorrow and redouble our joy. When we are in pain and agony our friends soothe us.

The more I have looked at my own life honestly and the more friends I have had, the more convinced I am that having friends is a marvellous gift, could help find a right answers for your life.

bhaweshwebmaste 1 / 4  
Jul 19, 2011   #2
Try splitting your first line into two sentences. It is unnecessarily long. ' Her' in the 10th sentence has no reference. Try replacing it with some noun.

All in all, it is a well written TOEFL essay. Good job.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,339 129  
Jul 21, 2011   #3
Try splitting your first line into two sentences. It is unnecessarily long.

Well, I think that first sentence can be okay... let me try to fix it:

Nothing can make us feel worse about ourselves that the conviction that we do not deserved to be loved, and one of the strongest factors that can generate this conviction is the feeling of missing our friends. ---This sentence is okay now. Still, I agree with bhaweshwebmaste. Short sentences are BETTER than long sentence. :-)

In our jampacked lives it is really difficult to find time to sustain friendship, thereafter but after these difficult times our need for friends may be greater than ever.

Use the plural: media
In other respects true friends are precious media for thoughts, emotions and...

Good friends may be not only people with whom someone is comfortable, but also those who could motivate her and force her to level herself up.

:-) Great job! The English is almost perfect with just a few small errors.
OP U_Are_Awesome 1 / 2  
Jul 23, 2011   #4
Thank you bhaweshwebmaste and EF_Kevin for your help!! I really appreciate it!
I am very pleased to hear so good comments!


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