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The Fruit Section - story for english 9


nowel 1 / -  
Dec 2, 2012   #1
Even after hours of work i just can't get the story to flow. It also would be nice if you have some ideas to make it a bit longer. Any comments will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

The Fruit Section

as I stepped out of the van, I could feel the warm sun on my skin. I gleefully walked
through the parking lot into the cool air conditioned walmart. "mommy, why are we here,"
I asked, but I was a bit too far ahead of my mom to for her to hear me. we went straight to pick up some fruit, just me and mom would always do. I went to over and got some bags for my mom to put the fresh carrots in, and then went back to check out the mister that kept the vegetables fresh. I stood there for a few minutes and let the light, cool mist fall on me. When I got bored of that and turned around my mom; except she wasn't there! But my terror was only for a few seconds as I quickly found her and went right back to her side. We walked down to the milk section which was a bit odd because we never got milk at walmart. As she pulled out the milk I asked "can we get some chocolate milk," as she turned around though to my surprise it was not my mom. "you aren't my mom!" and I hastily ran away. I kept running until i got to the end of the aisle and stopped to catch my breath. I was confused and worried as I thought about where my mom could be. finally I yelled out "MOM!" but no one was around to hear. Exasperated I sat down started to weep. when I collected myself and wiped the tears and sniffles off my face I began to take my mind off the subject by checking out the food products. I went down the aisle looking the cans of beans. I was so involved in doing this, that I didn't even see that my mom was down at the end of the aisle. I kept going down the aisle until I bumped into someone. When I looked to see who it was, I was delighted to see my mother! "mommy!" I yelled as I jumped into her arms. I was overcome with joy, and even felt like crying. As I let out a sigh of relief we headed out of the wal-mart, and I joyfully walked to the van.

Dawn22 - / 3  
Dec 2, 2012   #2
Without knowing the actual assignment and grading criteria it is difficult to give input on this.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Dec 2, 2012   #3
What is the message of this story? I think you should work on this point. You found you mother, so what you tried to convey to the reader? I mean, describing an event is not enough for writing a strong story, but the main idea of the story and the conclusion that the reader comes to is also should be considered.

I think you should describe the place that the even occurred. In this way, you can help the reader to find himself/herself at the same atmosphere.

Talk more about your feelings when you lost your mom. Writing any details of your feelings would make the story more interesting.

Hope this helps
Ahmad


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