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The Fruit Section - story for english 9

nowel 1 / -  
Dec 2, 2012   #1
Even after hours of work i just can't get the story to flow. It also would be nice if you have some ideas to make it a bit longer. Any comments will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

The Fruit Section

as I stepped out of the van, I could feel the warm sun on my skin. I gleefully walked
through the parking lot into the cool air conditioned walmart. "mommy, why are we here,"
I asked, but I was a bit too far ahead of my mom to for her to hear me. we went straight to pick up some fruit, just me and mom would always do. I went to over and got some bags for my mom to put the fresh carrots in, and then went back to check out the mister that kept the vegetables fresh. I stood there for a few minutes and let the light, cool mist fall on me. When I got bored of that and turned around my mom; except she wasn't there! But my terror was only for a few seconds as I quickly found her and went right back to her side. We walked down to the milk section which was a bit odd because we never got milk at walmart. As she pulled out the milk I asked "can we get some chocolate milk," as she turned around though to my surprise it was not my mom. "you aren't my mom!" and I hastily ran away. I kept running until i got to the end of the aisle and stopped to catch my breath. I was confused and worried as I thought about where my mom could be. finally I yelled out "MOM!" but no one was around to hear. Exasperated I sat down started to weep. when I collected myself and wiped the tears and sniffles off my face I began to take my mind off the subject by checking out the food products. I went down the aisle looking the cans of beans. I was so involved in doing this, that I didn't even see that my mom was down at the end of the aisle. I kept going down the aisle until I bumped into someone. When I looked to see who it was, I was delighted to see my mother! "mommy!" I yelled as I jumped into her arms. I was overcome with joy, and even felt like crying. As I let out a sigh of relief we headed out of the wal-mart, and I joyfully walked to the van.

Dawn22 - / 3  
Dec 2, 2012   #2
Without knowing the actual assignment and grading criteria it is difficult to give input on this.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Dec 2, 2012   #3
What is the message of this story? I think you should work on this point. You found you mother, so what you tried to convey to the reader? I mean, describing an event is not enough for writing a strong story, but the main idea of the story and the conclusion that the reader comes to is also should be considered.

I think you should describe the place that the even occurred. In this way, you can help the reader to find himself/herself at the same atmosphere.

Talk more about your feelings when you lost your mom. Writing any details of your feelings would make the story more interesting.

Hope this helps

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