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IELTS WRITING TASK 2: full-time education for young people 18 and below; agree or disagree

ilufatsy16 2 / 3 1  
Mar 22, 2014   #1
Please help me correct this essay :)

Question: Some people say that all young people should have full-time education until they are 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Today, many people may hold the belief that all the young who are under 18 should devote themselves entirely to education rather than doing anything else. From my own perspectives, I would strongly agree with that view for some reasons.

To begin with, background education is truly fundamental and should always be respected by student's attention and effort. Some people commonly take highschool study for granted then don't usually learn very well. Consequently, when entering the labour market in reality, they lack the general understanding and as a result it is hard for them to create much value for their boss or even more seriously if they ruin the work they are likely to get dismissed sooner or later.

Secondly, people under 18 are also commonly too naïve to stand on their on feet to earn for a living or support others. They are being on the way of becoming adults so there are still a wide range of things about lives they need to know about. It is understandable that they are probable to get into troubles and then don't know how to get out of these mess. For example, young people can easily be abused and exploited if they know little or nothing about the labour laws. They may have to suffer by themselves and this might lead to several consequences of young people being suffered from pressure or even mental symptoms.

However, combining with full-time study, young people should also concurrently participate in after-class activities like doing social charity to obtain more soft skills which are helpful to shape their personality. Applying for a part-time job can also be viewed as a good way to build up themselves as long as young people concentrate much on the experience instead of money aspect.

In conclusion, I am of the opinion that general education is of importance when concerning people who are under 18 and it should widely be favoured by governments and organizations from now.

MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Mar 22, 2014   #2
should always be respected by student's attention and effort

should always be given priority by students

then don't usually learn very well

, which usually leads to their poor academic results

as a result it is hard for them

You could start a new sentence from here to avoid a too lengthy one.


do not
Don't use contractions in your essay

get out of these mess

These words sound a bit informal to me. You could use "solve the problems" instead.
You write very well and the ideas are clearly presented :)
OP ilufatsy16 2 / 3 1  
Mar 22, 2014   #3
Dear MW,
It is very grateful to receive your feedbacks. You know, several months continuously, I couldn't focus on practising writing skill and I felt very bad for that. I just want to put an end to this feeling by sitting at table and kicking off writing. By the way, I hope to receive more and more responses from you so that I can boost my writing skill to a higher level.

Thank you,
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 22, 2014   #4
I think this essay is answering the prompt, and discussing about full-time education for people under 18 and also you make your position clearly to answer "to what extend you agree or disagree" cheers :D
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Mar 22, 2014   #5
Well, I feel it is better if you have a hook statement in the intro.

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