Hi adad1120, your essay is quite clear, yet it needs proper adjustments:
1. Your sentences are altogether short, linking them will gain you much greater marks and make your essay sounds more professional
2. You tend to use redundant words, which is the common mistakes of new writers. I suggest improve the vocabulary will you?
3. You should improve your examples. DON'T use examples of your relatives like sisters, brothers, uncles,... because it sounds unconvincing and unreal. you should have shiny examples of famous people or well known cases, much better!
3. Here are some minor mistakes:
The number of people who attend college or university has increased dramatically. Some people think that attending college or university wastes great amount of money and time. However, I strongly believe that there are two reasonable reasons why people tend to attend college or university. First, some people want to become the most distinguished scholars in their own field. Second, by preparing career people are able to get a good job in the futureI personally believe that you should combine these sentences into 1, it is necessary .
To begin with, there are the kinds of people who want to be famous and prominent professors or scholars by attending college or university. In general, in order to become a scholar, people have to study with spending huge amount of time and efforts in college. After that, they are able to improve their knowledge and to get profound information involved with their majoradvanced and profound knowledge offered by college, which is largely concerned with their majors . Eventually, they will attend graduate university after the accomplishment of college or university and reach to their dream. Thus, attending college or university is very significant step for those people to achieve their dream.
Secondly, studying in college or university is the best way for people to prepare their career for the future. In other words, many companies in our society do not prefer to employ people who do not graduate from college or university. The reason is that they are not likely to get high education and to have improved qualified knowledge so that they are not suitedsuitable to work the working requirements in the companies. Conversely, people who graduate from university or graduate schools tend to get a high-payinghigh-paid job in the future because they are fine(never use such words as fine, because they seem so general, instead, let's use potential, qualified or able to cooperate with other fellows and fulfill tasks) . For instance, my older sister graduated from a good university, and she got a high-payinghigh-paid job in the society, while my cousin who only finished high school was able to only get a low-paying job such as(why such as? if it is true, then you must pinpoint exactly what he does) washing dishes in restaurant. This difference shows the importance why many people try to attend college or university.
Well do you think that these two paragraphs are a bit overlap? I mean, in the 1st paragraph, you mention the fact that going to university helps people to be a famous an prominent professors which speaks about how to get a proper job, and in the 2nd, you say that university prepares for the future career, which is also about job. Right?
To sum up, many people try to study in college or university for two reasons. First, the institution is fundamental stage for people who want to be professor or scholar. Second, it allows many people to prepare their own career for the future. Thus, in the future, attending college or university will be more competitive.
No no no please don't say first and second, just combine everything into one sentence. And use another sentence to suggest or recommend what you think is suitable.
Cheers!
