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Toefl- For future career success, relating well to other people is more important


s033591 7 / 8  
May 7, 2011   #1
Topic: For future career success, relating well to other people is more important than studying hard at school.

Being successful in one's career is everyone's dream, because it guarantees an worriless and happy life. However, there are few people who can achieve this goal while others do not. As a result, how to become successful in the future has raised people's concern. Some people think that they should follow the same pattern of others because of a lucky case is right here; though, others believe they should study harder at school, instead. In my opinion, I would agree more with the latter idea.

First, the success of everyone's career is case by case. In other words, every individual has his/her own life, experience and interest, the path to success should be different. For example, we all know that Bill Gates is a successful man in his career. However, what if you are really good at painting? It is impossible for you to follow his idea and behavior because it does not belong to your gift. If you force yourself to do what you don't originally adapt to, the consequence must be very painful. Therefore, in terms of different character, I don't think it is a good idea to mimic other people.

In addition, if we always repeat what other had done, we will lost our creativity in the end. That is to say, we don't think anymore and this condition must lead us into death. Take a big company as an example. One day, someone must take over this company when the present boss is going to retire. However, if the new leader always follow the old rules without any adaption, the economic condition of this company must be very dangerous. Things change very quickly so do people's need. As a result, a good decision maker should always observe the trend of this changing society and this would continue the smooth operation of the company.

Therefore, combining the two factor mentioned earlier, I would prefer one's success attributed to his/her hard work at school. In school, we can not only absorb the basic knowledge from the books but also have an overall review on great men's success. Then, after internalizing these experiences and information, you could develop your unique way for career success.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
May 7, 2011   #2
Being successful in one's career is everyone's dream, because it guarantees an worriless and happy life. --------I find this is a good start except for the part in red. I suggest;

Being successful in one's career is everyone's dream, because it paves the way for a happy and contented life.

However, there are only few people who can achieve this goal while others do not . As a result, how to become successful in the future careerhas raised people'sis a concern of people .

Some people think that they should follow the same pattern ofas others because of a lucky case is right here; though, others believe they should study harder at school, instead.------------ It is not clear what you mean by " same pattern as others". I feel it is better you re-do this sentence.

In my opinion, I would agree more with the lattersecond idea.

First, the success of everyone's career is case by casedependent on each individual . In other words, every individual has his/or her own lifetalents, skills, experience and interest, which differentiate this individual from others . Therefore the path to success offor each person is should be different from another person .

Throughout your essay I notice that you are slightly deviated from what is asked from the prompt. In my understanding, "relating well to other people " talks about how well you can connect with other people, and not imitating others. In other words it ask your opinion on the statement, "how well you network with other people is more important than studying hard at school". So, if you support the idea that hard work at school is more important as opposed to networking with others, you can use some of the following points;

1)In certain professions what you study is more important than the connections you make with people. e.g.; doctors, lawyers, professors etc.
2) Even you network well with others well, if you haven't acquired necessary technical skills which are basic requirements for the job, you still would not be successful in your career.
OP s033591 7 / 8  
May 8, 2011   #3
Dear Dumi

Thank you for your useful suggestion, I will rewrite some parts.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 11, 2011   #4
Okay, first of all, I agree with Dumi. You did not write much about relating well with others. Relating well with others is all about being able to communicate well and resolve conflicts.

Some people think that they should follow the same pattern of others because of a lucky case is right here; though, others believe they should study harder at school, instead. In my opinion, I would agree more with the latter idea.

Instead of writing about following the same patterns as others, write about maintaining strong relations with others.

I also want to say that I think you are ready for the toefl if you wrote this by yourself. This is strong English without many errors. Dumi made great suggestions, but your way was not really wrong. Go take that test! You will do well. :-)
issallme5 2 / 35  
May 11, 2011   #5
Hi. I'll just go over grammer/awkward phrases.
"how to become successful in the future has raised people's concern"
To me, this phrase sounded awkward it could change to.."the ways to being successful have raised people's concern"

Also, you wrote "you" in couple of places in the essay. it is best if you try to refrain from using second person in a formal essay. Instead, you could use "one has~"
ddpddpzzz 3 / 7  
May 12, 2011   #6
i think that your example is not persuadable...just my thought..

i think that the biggest differences between 'normal essay' and ' well essay'


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